And So it Begins

And So it Begins

I'm newly single. I'm writing about it here because the person from whom I'm newly single reads my other blog, and occasionally so do others that know both of us.

We dated a year. In fact - tomorrow will be exactly a year since our first date. He's a wonderful man - funny, smart, attractive, stylish, down to earth, confident (but not cocky), considerate. He made me smile more than I ever thought I could smile.

He likes me, too. The thing is, his heart is somewhere else and even though he can't be with her, that keeps him from having feelings for me. Even after we dated all that time. And when he finally does get over her - who knows what his feelings will be.

We talked about our options:

Don't see each other. I don't think either of us really wanted this; I know I didn't.

See each other as friends. Probably not the first choice for either of us; we're way past the friends stage and there is definitely a physical attraction.

Continue dating.

I honestly would have been okay with continuing to date. He's a good guy, and although I'm a little more aware of my feelings, I wasn't looking to move in together or pledge undying love or anything. But he couldn't commit to exclusivity. He said he has feelings for me, he likes everything about me, we have fun together - but his heads not in a place where he can make promises or good decisions. Not that he'd go looking for someone else, but he wanted to be open to the possibility if he met someone.

I couldn't handle that. Not after a year. If we'd had that conversation a year ago, and that was what he wanted, I would have been fine. But it feels too much like going backwards; like all the feelings I've developed over the last year didn't count. So, I couldn't do it.

Plus - if he's not at a place where he's at least sure he wants to date me, then I'm potentially setting myself up for this same conversation again in a few weeks, or months or whatever. I couldn't handle that.

Not to mention - what he's doing to himself is not fair. He deserves so much better than to invest his feelings and energy into someone who can appreciate them back. If I keep dating him, it's like I'm enabling that behavior; not helping him get his stuff together, which is what a good friend would do.

So, here I am. In love with a guy (if that's what I am) who has feelings for me, but stronger feelings for someone else, who doesn't love him back because she's involved elsewhere. This is a mess.

I'm a wreck. I'm sad one minute; angry the next. I feel a little used, lied to and like my time for the last year was wasted. But then I remember all the good that he brought to my life, and I think - that's not a waste. He made me so happy, and I tried new things and learned so much - that is never a waste. Plus, he's a wonderful person and just because where we are right now doesn't really leave room for each other, doesn't mean he won't ever be back in my life - in some way or another.

But right now, I have to focus on me. My original thought was that I would just jump right back into dating. Why not, right? No time like the present and nothing to wait for. But, then I happened to find this article online that made me think twice.

It talks about something called a love cleanse. Basically - start fresh; focus on yourself. No dating, no flirting, no physical contact, no engaging/cyberstalking, increase exercise, eat healthy and journal. For one month.

Most of that I can do. A couple of problems - I'm not eating right now (stress does that) so that's not healthy; and it precludes increased exercise, since that would be really unhealthy. The other problem? No engaging. I can probably keep myself from texting or emailing him. But we are friends elsewhere online where it just makes sense we'll run into each other and chat casually. I won't just turn away from someone who I care about. Ever. So, I need to amend that rule a little. I did turn off alerts for when he posts online so that it's not constantly in my face. That helps. And I can limit it. But if he supports my blog, I'm going to say thank you. And if he writes something that I want to support, I will. That's what friends do.

I'm not sure how this will work, but I'm willing to give it a shot.