The Key to Healing? Stop Listening!


By Caitlin Goldberg, BounceBack Editorial Staff

There are several common phrases you may hear from your friends after a relationship breakup or divorce. It's near impossible during this time not to discuss what you're going through with friends and family...and you should - it's crucial to helping yourself make sense of what went wrong. You need feedback from others and sometimes, let's be honest, you just need to let it all out and vent!

However, it's important to keep in the back of your mind that your friends love you and want you to heal, so take anything they're telling you during this time with a grain of salt. Sometimes others may forget they are outsiders in your relationship and say things to discount what you are feeling. Beware of the following phrases in this crucial post break-up or divorce time period when you are focusing on bouncing back!
"They were Totally Crazy": You don't want to hear that the person you were in love with was insane, or that you were dating someone who others considered to be a little nuts. The truth is, the downward spiral that led to your breakup, and ex-partner's subsequent craziness, was probably not their fault single-handedly. Maybe you no longer bring out the best in your ex, and they no longer brought out the best in you - this doesn't make either of you crazy.

Regardless, you should find the nugget of truth in what your friends are saying and acknowledge that you were probably somewhat of a contributing factor to the "craziness" your friends are talking about.

"We Never Liked Them Anyway": Um.. Well.. Then why didn't you say anything in the first place?? Disregard this comment for what it is- a bad attempt at comforting you! You can even let your friends know that while they may be able to disregard your relationship so easily, you will not. Show them that you have respect for your past decisions and the person you once loved by telling them this validation isn't doing anything positive for you.

Hopefully, you will show yourself and ex both dignity and class by refraining from how much you spill to your friends. Don't forget that what you say in the heat of the moment may be remembered by others!

"There are Plenty of Other Fish in the Sea": And you're automatically thinking, but I only want that fish. My fish. On one hand, your friends may be right. There are plenty of other people out there just waiting for you to meet, but on the other hand, when you're stuck thinking about the one who broke your heart, thinking about meeting another just seems completely ridiculous, exhausting, or even plain wrong.

Stick with your gut instincts on this one - do not let your friends pressure you into feeling like you should be ready to move on before you are. When the day comes, you will actually want to start looking for your next mate. There is no need to rush this because your friends are telling you to! Take comfort in knowing that when you are ready to meet the other (kinder, more attractive, better-fitting) fish, you will!

What are some other things you've heard from friends and family that just don't cut it when you're trying to heal?