Bachelor Pad Finale: Dance Off, Pants Off

kiptyn and tenley shocked to find out dave and natalie win the bachelor pad finale

Bachelor Pad, the most pathetic show on ABC comes to an end.

Rejoice! It's finally over. You got sucked in on a whim and became hopelessly addicted, but now you're finally free from the smutty shackles of Bachelor Pad! Wasn't it like serving a prison sentence at times?

All the drama, lies and hot tubs, oh my!

Last night's finale topped off the season with some real cream of the crap. First of all, is it just me, or was the entire first half just one big, incestuous advertisement for ABC. How much Dancing With The Stars could those producers stuff down our throats? Is this where reality TV is headed? Bachelor Pad: Where Brains Go To Die

With just three totally undeserving couples left, Chris Harrison (wearing white pants after Labor Day—for shame!) informs the cast their last rose challenge will be performing a dance, learned just hours earlier from a bona fide Dancing With The Stars choreographer. Dancing Can Improve Your Relationship

This freaks everyone out.

Certifiable dorks Kiptyn and Tenley are bestowed with learning the least sexy dance ever—the fox trot, from DWTS alum Chelsea Hightower. Elizabeth and Kovacs learn they will be performing the rumba from THE HOTTEST WOMAN KOVACS HAS EVER SEEN IN REAL LIFE, Edyta Sliwinska. This naturally enrages psycho Elizabeth who warned Kovacs mere moments earlier that if they had a hot instructor, she would sick a thousand banshees on his soul... or just be really mad.

Dave and Natalie rock the salsa, with choreographer Louis Van Amstel telling Natalie to stick her butt out doggie style and act as if the two are having sex. Act?

Come competition time, the teams performed the hastily learned dances for three celeb judges. And by celeb, I mean former Bachelor Jake, former Bachelorette Trista, and Melissa, who finally served a purpose for being on the show.

Kiptyn and Tenley danced first. They scored a solid 26 out of 30 and set the bar pretty high for the other couples.

Elizabeth and Kovacs totally blew it. About 10 steps in, Elizabeth blanked out and ended up looking like Baby in Dirty Dancing. She totally did NOT do the lift.  

Natalie and Dave danced their tushies off, messing up only a little at the end, but looking damn fine doing it. But it was still not enough to beat America's Sweethearts, Kiptyn and Tenley. They won by two points and with it the decision on what other couple they'll be bringing to the final four. 

Uh oh! What are Kiptyn America and Bambi to do? They're not built for this kind of pressure. Natalie gets right to work and sits Tenley down to get a feel for where her head is at. Tenley is at a loss. She doesn't know what to do. It's like choosing which PG film to watch on movie night!

Then Kovacs tries to convince Kiptyn that he should take him and his psycho girlfriend because they are such a terrible team, haven't won anything, and should basically just be taken out back and shot.

Finally, Kiptyn and Tenley, hand in hand, sad faces on, tell the remaining two couples how much they heart them, but end up choosing Natalie and Dave.

In the limo drive of shame, Elizabeth continues to delude herself that Kovacs loves her. She doesn't care about money; she just wants Kovacs. 'Til death do them part... or until she kills him. 

Kovacs was pretty mellow driving off, happy for once to be ALONE, away from Elizabeth.

Hour two then started Survivor-style in front of a live studio audience, bringing back the castoffs while Chris revealed another whammy—they will be picking the winning couple. But not before a good bashing and lashing of tongues from bitter and rejected ex-Padders. 

To start things off, Elizabeth shared with the world that she's now single and, pointing to Kovacs, said, "Anyone who wants to date a player, here you go!" 

Aw, you mean once you didn't have Kovacs trapped in a house, he didn't want to be with you?

"I don't do casual relationships," she said. Understatement of the year, there, sweetie.

Apart from Wes and Gia finally kissing (yeah, her boyfriend back home didn't last... go figure), the tension was kind of thick.

The final four came out and explained what they'd do with the cash if they win, blah blah blah, and the castoffs vote. And the winners are: Natalie and Dave!

But does this mean they've won? Heck no! There are two of them, and only one $250,000 prize.

Chris Harrison then sends Natalie and Dave off to a deliberation room where they will have to make the following decision: whether to keep or share the money. If they both pick share, they will split the cash. But if one chooses share, but the other keep, the one who chooses keep will get all the money. But... wait, there's more. If both choose keep, then neither of them get the money, and it's then split between the former housemates. This took serious mental gymnastics on my part to follow, fyi. 

So, after a few minutes of fake-outs and dramatic editing, Dave chooses SHARE. Then, eeking out the last drops of this horrible show, they make it seem like Natalie didn't pick share. But she did!! Haha!! Fooled you! She's not a petty bitch, see!

They win $250K to split and probably quickly waste on stupid stuff. But they really do deserve it after all they went through.

Boy, am I glad this show is over. I'm sure it will be back next year, though, after the new season of The Bachelor tosses some road kill our way. It's an endless cycle, really. 'Til then...adieu. 5 Shockingly Good Dating Tips From "The Bachelor"