Bachelor Pad: Down To 3 Couples (Yawn)

elizabeth from bachelor pad on the beach in bikini

Three couples remain on the Bachelor Pad (boring), but we won't tell you who wins next week.

It looks like the Bachelor Pad is getting converted into a starter home. What started out as a highly competitive show with sexy challenges demanding prowess and skill, has quickly gone down the hot tub drain. Last night's episode was such a joke. It was the poorest example of a competition reality show I've ever seen. The definition of competition is to present a challenge where each person engaging in said competition has a fair shot at winning, right? Not on the Bachelor Pad, apparently.

Here's what happened: Chris Harrison showed up and dropped a bomb on the seven remaining girls, telling them that three of them would be going home. The next day, the gals are corralled into the driveway for a game of Spin the Bottle—only they aren't playing. What kind of competition is that, I ask you. It's the four remaining guys, Jesse B., Kovacs, Dave and Kiptyn, who will determine the ladies' fates. When the bottle lands on one of the men, they get to pick a girl to keep and then continue on with as a couple.

Hmm… hold on a sec. First of all, I get that that the show needs to move along and get to the finale, but this is best they could do to whittle down the girls?  They couldn't have oiled them up for a good old-fashioned catfight? They literally had the boys choose the girl they wanted to keep—and guess what, they chose the girl they've been hooking up with all season.

It was as if the producers woke up that morning and were like, "Oh crap! We have three marginally attractive girls still on the show and we cant get rid of them! We must fumigate them with a crushing and humiliating game of spin the bottle!" 10 Ridiculous Jersey Shore Love Quotes

To create false drama, they made it seem as if the men might not let their penises do the picking, and actually choose a girl other than the one they were already canoodling with. Of course this didn't happen, and Nikki, Gwen and Ashley got totally hosed. Not that I was too attached to them, but this was a terribly crafted plan to trim the fat.

So now the game is all about couples. You have Elizabeth and Kovacs, Kiptyn and Tenley (or as she calls them, Kip-Ten), Dave and Natalie, and Peyton and Jesse B, who are clearly the outsiders to the hunky Triplets and their Barbie dolls.

Like most couples, they all became instantly boring, watching-paint-dry boring.

Or watching-water-balloons-fly-through-the air-boring. I seriously nodded off during this challenge. With two roses at stake, the couples were laboriously careful in the way they handled their balloons.  It was like they were tossing silicone breast implants for Elizabeth's new boob job or something.

Peyton choked first, thus pretty much sealing her and Jesse B.'s fate. Kip-Ten faltered next, then Elizabeth and Kovacs. Natalie and David went on to win The World's Longest Balloon Toss Ever Filmed, and sped off in a bright yellow Lamborghini for their overnight date. But not before Elizabeth and Kovacs stunk it up by making out all over the hood.

While Natalie and Dave were off breaking multiple traffic laws, the power couples sipped champagne with strawberries and gossiped, per usual.

Tenley then piped up and started marveling about how uh-may-zing it must feel be Natalie and Dave, with a guaranteed spot in the final three. Then the goofy-grinning Jesse B, in a rare moment of clarity, asked his competitors, “Well, how does it feel? You tell us?”

Implying that they too, were all safe, with he and Peyton obviously on the chopping block. Way to kill the mood, dude.

Back on the date—Natalie kept yapping on about how hard she's falling for Dave, when all Dave really wanted to do is drive the car, take pictures of the car and make out with the car.

But then Dave and Natalie had a heart-to-heart, talking about super romantic things like divorce, student loans and poor relationships with parents. Sexy. Dave continued to talk about how he murdered his father—oh wait, he just threw a chair threw a wall during an argument and they haven't spoken since. He then quickly downed a drink, got really moody and changed the subject. By the way, this scene went on forrrrrever. They redeemed themselves by making out in a hot tub, though. Whew!

Back at the house, Kip-Ten also made out in a hot tub and talked about superbly boring stuff. Uh oh, it's contagious!

With no one else in the house to berate or gossip about, Elizabeth and Kovacs snuck off to the fantasy suite to kill the viewers brain cells with their inane conversation.  Allow me to recap:

Kovacs: Do you wanna get naked? If you do, that's cool. Whatever.


She seriously gets crazier with each passing day.

With the rose ceremony nearing, naturally the paranoia set in and the strategizing started. Natalie suddenly kinda sorta wanted to vote out Elizabeth and Kovacs, instead of Jesse B. and Peyton, because they know each other sooo well and will surely win any challenge relating to vapid pillow talk. So she went and planted a seed in Tenley's head about possibly voting them off. Thing is, they'd have to convince their men to do the same.

Then, out of the blue, Chris Harrison informs the gang that they would be voting solo, instead of as a couple as originally thought. So now there were 8 votes, instead of 4. Boo-ya! The scheming then commenced full throttle as Tenley and Natalie pinkie swore to vote off Elizabeth and Kovacs on their own. Take that, secret alliances!

Jesse B., then, has a man-to-man with Kiptyn, assuring him hell have he'll have his back next week, if he saves him this week. "Kiptyn America," yet again, has a crisis of conscience and doesn't know what to do. Could he really vote off his boy Kovacs in the most strategic move of his Bachelor Pad career?

Of course not. Kiptyn, naturally, wusses out and chooses Kovacs over Jesse B. Come hell or high water, nothing can break that Triplet bond! Natalie, too, caved last minute and voted with Dave, who lovingly threatened his girlie that she better not vote for Kovacs, or else she might, too, get a chair thrown through her window.

So Peyton and Jesse B. got sent home, leaving three couples to battle it out for the $250,000 grand prize. Dave, ever eloquently, summed it up nicely: “On that note, things just got real.”

The season finale is next week—and of course, there will be a twist. I already know who wins, but I won't spoil it for you. I will tell you though, that the final challenge is a good old-fashioned dance-off featuring members of that other ABC hit show, Dancing With The Stars. And well, if you remember, Tenley is very light on her toes.