Bachelor Pad: The Good, The Dumb And The Ugly


A nasty survey causes a chill at the Bachelor Pad.

Now that the pool of hotties is getting further whittled down with each passing rose, the temperature in the "Pad" is chilly at best. As always, the show starts where we left off, post-devastating rose ceremony, where Gia and Weatherman said goodbye.

What to do but have an eighth glass of champagne and spend the next day sleeping it off, right? Wrong. The peeps running the Pad had other plans. The cast was presented with the task of filling out a survey. Easy enough, right? Wrong again. This survey was a test of guts, truth and spelling. They all had to spill the beans about how mean, dumb, shallow and physically deformed each of their housemates are. Talk about drama. Tenley cried just filling the damn thing out. The cast was shocked and offended that they had to participate in such a cruel game. And, in awesome Bachelor Pad fashion, this was just the tip of iceberg.

The next day brought the real challenge. The Master of Ceremonies, Chris, and his minion in heels, Melissa, sat the cast down and asked them questions based on the survey taken the night before. Questions like: Who in the house has the worst boob job? Now, the object was not to pick who you thought has the nastiest knockers, but who the house, as a whole, thinks needs some remedial chest action. The object of this fiasco: the first girl and boy to get four points dining on other people's misery won the date and, possibly, Melissa's unborn child. (The house thinks Elizabeth has the ickiest fake boobs. You know, just in case you were wondering.)

This whole exercise was unfairly skewed to traumatize the girls by asking things like: Who is most shallow? Again, Elizabeth. Who also won a point in my heart with the quote of the night:  "I don't even know what shallow really means." Of course you don't, sweetheart. Don't you just love that freaky-boobed airhead more and more with each passing sound bite?

Moving on… the usually quiet and non-existent Gwen was voted the dumbest. To which she was rightfully offended, but I'm guessing secretly happy no one voted her the oldest. Party girl Natalie was voted "always a bridesmaid, never a bride"—which means that from this moment forward, no man will ever marry her. Ever. ABC said so. She ran off and cried in a shower. Gwen joined her in an attempt to console her but didn't have the smarts to figure out how. Across the pad, Elizabeth shut herself in a closet built for two (and a camera man) and bawled her boobs out. Kovacs then crawled in and, to her joy, showered her with the emotion and love that she'd been forcing him to fake since day one. Me thinks Kovacs' heart grew three sizes that day.

Wes was voted the house jerk—which came as a shock to him—so he spent the next day contemplating his life while aimlessly floating in the Jacuzzi in his boxer brief undies. Good thing Gia wasn't around to see that.

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Jesse and Tenley came out the winners of the game and each chose one person for a date. Tenley, of course, chose Kiptyn, and together they fluttered off. The obligatory helicopter ride made a welcome appearance for this date. It felt soo Bachelorette. Barbie and Ken were flown to Catalina Island and spent the day falling in lurv. Kiptyn, try as he might to hide it, is like, totally falling hard for Tenley.

Come nightfall, Tenley asked Kiptyn to forego his single room and spend the night in the Fantasy Suite engaging in, as Tenley put it: Sweet kisses and talking. Oh, yeah, I'm sure this is exactly what Kiptyn had in mind.

Next up: Jesse B.'s one-on-one date. Still hot and dumb as ever, he chose southern gal Peyton for his mile-high date in an old timey airplane. After the airborne jaunt, the two had dinner in the most romantic setting ever: an airplane hanger. Peyton was totally feeling Jesse B. and was ready to swap spit, when out of the blue Jesse B. started acting like a 10-year old boy. He started burping, picking boogers, and rapidly losing his attractiveness to Bachelor Pad devotees across the country. Peyton, too, was grossed out and declined his invitation to further pick boogers in the Fantasy Suite, but not before Jesse B. gave her the rose.

With the episode chugging along, the rose ceremony was upon our hostile hotties in no time. Everyone seemed to think they were on the chopping block. But it was really just Gwen, Krisily, Kovacs and Wes who needed to worry.

The Testosterone Triplets decided to vote Gwen out. Dave went to Krisily and said, "Yo—you're safe if you vote for Wes, not my boy Kovacs" or something to that extent.  Krisily, still giggly from Dave's kiss last week, agreed to the plan and, for the first time ever, felt completely safe at the rose ceremony.

Kiptyn then, had a crisis of conscience, and told his boys that he would only feel comfy voting for that meanie, Krisily, not granny Gwen. The boys followed his lead, and lo and behold, Krisily got axed. And she was piiiiiised. Before she got forcibly stuffed in the limo, she gave those popular kids a piece of her mind and left The Outsiders with a sage warning: "Break up the couples or they'll become more famous than you and score a slot on Dancing With The Stars next to The Situation!"

Oh yeah—country crooner Wes got axed too. As he climbed into the limo he yelled at the top of his lungs: "I'm coming for ya Gia!" Unless he meets someone new in the airport on his way home.

'Til next week… keep that hot tub clean and the fightin' dirty, ya'll.