Bachelor Pad: Where Brains Go To Die

the bachelor pad
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TV's Bachelor/Bachelorette spinoff pits dumb vs. dumber, much to our dismay.

Never have I yelled at a television more than on last night's parade of idiocy that is Bachelor Pad. Though it started off a tad slow with the requisite yelling, making out and hot tubbing that is to be expected in a mansion full of overly emotional cry babies (and I'm not even talking about the ladies), it quickly revved up to a full-blown drama fest.

ABC's Bachelor/Bachelorette spinoff pits past season cast-offs against each other; each vying to stick around the "Pad" the longest and win a cool $250,000. Roses serve as Survivor-like immunity icons, secured via successful dates and silly competitions, like last night's pie-eating contest. Contestants boot one guy and one girl at the end of each episode.

Though only episode two, the mansion's already split into two de facto teams. This isn't so bad if you're a hot-tub-lounging Cool Kid, an "Insider"—such as Elizabeth, Tenley and Natalie—and the Testosterone Triplets (Kiptyn, Dave, Kovacs) who love them.

If you're Krisily, Taylor, Gwen or Craig though, aka the "Outsiders" (how Ponyboy, right?), life isn't so rad in the mansion. While the Cool Kids are blatantly spreading transmissible diseases in hot tubs, these nerds are hanging on the bunk beds, eating their feelings. They might as well be trapped under a glass table at Jake Ryan's house for all the action they're getting. Oddly, the freak of genetic nature that is Gia is also a part of this group. In fact, she's the leader. Her wolf pack alliance is tight, and her swimsuit model I.Q. is leading this pack into battle.

After winning the pie-eating contest and probably being full for the first time her life, Gia plotted out her master plan to ensure that the Insiders would not reign supreme—even though they are hotter.

The Weatherman, Outsider Numero Uno, also wolfed down his pie and secured a rose. Gia then basically told him which girls to take on his date (ugly ones, yo!). He obliged, choosing Gwen, Taylor and Ashley, hoping to confirm their allegiance to the Outsiders' gang. I mean, really, Gwen has no choice, nor does Taylor. But Ashley was a harder sell, and pretty much lied to Weatherman's face by saying she was on his side. Rude! The 8 Bachelorette Castoffs We'd Most Like To Date

The biggest surprise of the first hour, though, came when Weatherman tried to woo Grannie Gwen. Sweet, yes, but she's old enough to be his cougar. A true sport, she played along, but made it clear that there was "not a chance" that she would hook up with everyone's favorite meteorologist. It looks like stormy skies ahead, buddy.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth, the "smart dumb girl," and her muscled gang of cool kids were theorizing about how to keep control of their hot tub. But instead, they all just made out and hooked up in showers. Go team!

Then it was on to Gia's date. She chose Craig, Wes and Jesse Beck, even though she made it seem like she was pulling a random name out of a hat. Look at her brain churn, everyone! I was super impressed with her straightforward tactics. She told Craig that she was giving him the rose to keep him safe, as his immunity would GUARANTEE that the Outsiders took control and then could pretty much do what they wanted with the Cool Kids. Cheers to that, right?

Yes. But somehow, Gia just couldn't stick to the plan.

I want to interject a bit here—we all remember Wes, right? The biggest Bachelorette villain of all time? The douche who repeatedly lied to Jillian's face and talked out of both sides of his mouth to get ahead in the game? Yeah, you'd think Gia might catch on that he was an evil, manipulative snake, but once he started cooing and wooing her, she was putty in his hands.  He didn't even pull out his guitar and serenade her with his go-to ballad yet. (That's next week, just you wait).

He told her he LOVED HER and she CRIED. What kind of low self-esteem are we dealing with here, Gia? First of all, you have a boyfriend, one you are clearly going to be cheating on in the next episode. But to be wooed by a creep like Wes and eat up his platter of mushy sentiment was appalling to witness. Have some self respect, girl! I thought you were a hard-ass New Yorker. I guess Wes's roughneck charm was too much to resist, and Gia ended up giving him the rose, after she gave Craig her word that he would be safe. What. An. Idiot.

So now the Outsiders are screwed, right? Nope. Gia and her big boobs (er, brain) hack another plan to take over! Vote Kiptyn off! If there's a tie between Craig and Kiptyn, she, as rose holder, gets to break the tie. Of course, the Cool Kids catch wind of this and quickly try and find a defector. This comes in the form of "Fat Sandra Bullock" Nikki.

She's clearly an Outsider (just look at her poor bone structure), but she "really likes Kiptyn" and he sits her down and asks her very politely not to vote him off. Nikki cried, of course. THE PRESSSURE!!! In the end, she caved, making the vote 6-Craig, 4-Kiptyn, thus nixing again Gia's plan for world domination.

Oh, they also voted off Girl Jessie too, because she was a bitch or something. They weren't too clear on the specifics. All I know is that she made out with Dave in a hot tub in a last ditch attempt to stay safe. Oh, silly Canadians. Sex Scandal On The Bachelor

Yeah, both Craig and Jessie are Canucks. They were probably on the same flight home, commiserating about all those mean Americans. It's OK guys, you get free health care and awesome accents, so your life isn't that bad. It's definitely better than the poor guy who has to clean out that hot tub every night.

I cannot wait for next week's soap opera of steamy hookups, crushing breakups.