Love, Loss & What I Ate

Love, Loss & What I Ate

I have three kinds of madeleines in my life. First is the French shell-shaped almond cookie that I always see at Starbucks but never buy. Second is my girl friend Madeline, who, along with her roommate, organizes a weekly potluck dinner where I met the boyfriend. Third is something that triggers memories or nostalgia, according to In my case, that trigger is banana blueberry pancakes.

I recently discovered that my ex-boyfriend of my college years has gotten engaged. If I were truly a grown woman, I would say "Mazel tov!" to the happy couple and not give it another thought because I'm happily enjoying a new relationship and that's the only relationship that should be any of my concern. But I'm obviously affected because I've been thinking of nothing but banana blueberry pancakes since I found out (via Facebook stalking, and yes, I am embarrassed about it).

We lived together ages ago in a small apartment in Hawaii, where I was spending my summer between semesters of college. At this point we'd been together a year and were almost positive that we'd be married once I graduated. At least once a week, we would wake up and whip up the most delicious pancakes ever created. Banana Blueberry Pancakes. They wouldn't even need maple syrup, they were so delicious on their own. I would attempt to pour the batter into the shape of a heart, and failed every time, the end result would be one giant, tasty pancake. The smell of it reminds me of being very young and deliriously in love. It defines that particular summer, colors all the memories from that time with a buttercream hue.

This is the man that officially introduced me to fine dining and sparked my deep and sensual love of food. It all began with those amazing summertime breakfasts.

Banana Blueberry Pancakes


  1. Krusteaz Light and Fluffy Pancake Mix (it has to be Krustaez, everything else is too heavy for my tastes)
  2. Water (follow the Krustaez recipe)
  3. As many bananas as you like, sliced
  4. As many blueberries as you like


  1. Follow the directions on the package, and you can't go wrong.
  2. Add the sliced bananas&blueberries to the batter before cooking on the pan.

I am not envious of his new fiancee. In fact, I hope the best for them. Despite the fact that our relationship went very sour, for a good amount of time it was sweet, which is something that I won't forget. I'm sad he didn't tell me he got engaged. I'm sad that once a relationship is over, you have to forget that the other person ever existed. I'm sad that the time we spent together was not as valuable to him as it was to me. I'm also sad that he un-Facebook-friended me without warning, which is what led me to the cyber-stalking in the first place (we've all done it, right?).

What the future holds for me and this recipe: I'm not sure. Maybe I'll figure out a vegan/wheat-free way to make it for me and the new guy. It's too good to let go of forever. It'll be like turning a new page in the recipe book of my love life. I'm glad the ex has done the same.