Beware of These Guys - Part II

Note: As always, don't forget to follow my journey on my personal blog, So about what I said...

Have you recovered from last week's deluge of downright dumb dudes? If not, keep that cool cloth on your head because here's Part II.

The Mama’s Boy
Sorry, sunny, but we don’t have time to play the Freud Game with you. The Mama’s Boy can be a tricky one because at first, it seems all rather cute. “Oh, it’s so cute how he dotes on his mother,” you think. But give it time, and I assure you, it’ll turn into something scarier than your own father-daughter complex. Some far more scary.

Oh, and the term Mama’s Boy may also be a code name for ‘those’ types who actually still live with Mama (their defense: “I live in the basement” as if that’s supposed to make him seem more enticing and attractive to you), can’t hold a job, or worse, don’t have one and spend the majority of their days playing Guitar Hero with the other neighborhood Mama’s Boys. These men don’t need you; they need a spine.

Mr. Ego
Sure, his aloofness seems sexy at first, but two, three, four years later? It’s just (still) aloofness. And it’s not so sexy anymore, either. I once knew a guy who bragged about everything: his knowledge of current events, all-things politics, baseball, even geography trivia. At first, I was in sheer awe, thinking, “Damn, that’s one sexy, confident man right there.” Yeah, I’m sad to say my awe lasted longer than it should have; I held on, hoping he would magically take an interest in me and what I had to say, which included a love of long summer walks, the future of the media industry and a fondness for classic ‘80s sitcoms. But sadly, he never did, opting instead to pontificate on and on and on and on about himself. Oh and FYI, Mr. Ego, not everyone cares about the intricacies of baseball. It’s just a sport, for Pete’s sake!

Maybe Mr. Ego was compensating for other shortcomings. I’m just saying...

The Newly Unattached Bachelor
I recently found out a guy I used to work with was a free man after he made it official modern-day style and changed his facebook status from “in a relationship” to “single.” I’d always had a little crush on this guy. And in that moment, I sort of felt like a tiger, ready to pounce and go in for the kill, but then I thought about it. There was far too much baggage attached with that for my liking. A woman can only carry so much weight and I didn’t have any extra room in my closet for his baggage, skeletons or other quirks during his post-breakup mourning period. There should be a rule dictating the proper amount of time to wait before making a move; it would save both men and women a lot of confusion and inevitably, yet another breakup.

The Ex
This one should be obvious. There is a reason he’s your EX: maybe he cheated, maybe he wasn’t attentive to your needs, maybe he shacked up with another woman (or man) or maybe he was just plain stupid. Whatever the reason, even thinking of stirring up those old feelings will only end in one big, bad explosion, with your feelings strewn among the rubble. They say you can’t go home again, and this is especially true of former flames. The candle has gone out; let it burn down to the wick with dignity.

Still want to “try again”? He’s a preview of next week’s episode in your love saga: He’ll more than likely become your ex (again) sooner rather than later. Do you really want to waste your time (again)?

The Ex-Lover Obsessive
This one can be misleading at first. You're dating a great guy, who casually mentions every so often how his ex loved this or did this. It’s cute, you think. This is the sort of guy who can remain friends with his ex.

And that’s exactly when things become unhealthy. Pretty soon, he’s saying how smart she was, how her green eyes glimmered so beautifully against the morning light, how they once spent an entire weekend in bed at this little cabin in the woods and told each other their life story. Blah. Blah. Blah. And pretty soon after that, you two are sitting on the couch as he rests his head on your shoulders and blubbers like a little school girl.

We get it: Your ex should have been Miss America. If he loved her so much, maybe they should get back together. All this talk about the Elusive Perfect Ex is just plain rude and unromantic. You’re no longer his girlfriend (assuming you ever were, really), but are now his therapist. Never a good position to be in. Ever. It’s obvious he’s in love, only not with you.

And don’t even get me started on those ‘other’ guys who keep in touch with their exes; I wouldn’t get near them with a 10-foot pole.