911 Is Not A Dating Service, Evidently

rotary phone with call me heart-shaped post-it
Buzz, Love

A lonely Ohio resident dials 911 for help with her love life.

As Flannery O'Connor continues to remind us, a good man is hard to find. And sometimes, finding a good man, as Marine recruiters know well, is a matter of looking in every nook and/or cranny. That's why it comes as no surprise that a woman from Ohio, by way of a town called Alliance, turned to Johnny Law for a dude. The lonely gal dialed 911 on a number of occasions, trying to track down a husband. Not her husband, per se, but any husband at all. 

The dispatch operator warned the woman that she was misusing resources and would be treated to a pair of stainless steel bracelets and an all-expenses paid trip to the Iron Bar Hilton if she kept it up, to which the woman said, "Bring it."* One would guess this spinster was hoping that a strapping, young lawman would enter her home and the whole thing would turn into the first five minutes of a porno or the last 30 minutes of a bachelorette party. No such luck. Yahoo! News has the rest of the deets, but it plays out like a lady who doesn't want to get eaten by her cats after she dies. Portrait Of A 21st-Century Spinster 

While there's no denying the appeal to a man in uniform (for chicks, I mean) this wasn't terribly well reasoned, and sort of played out like a sub-plot in an episode of The Shield, where Dutch gets a little too interested in a witness and blows the case because she pulls the wool over his eyes by feigning daddy issues. 7 Reasons To Date A Military Man 

Any thoughts on where to meet a quality guy in Alliance, OH? Any thoughts on where to go if you want to meet a cop? Or, if you're freaky, a fireman? 

*Note: I'm paraphrasing.


Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
Are you REALLY thinking about their happiness?
If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
It seems like you can't do anything right.