facebook mistress

to be or not to be a mistress

I came out of my cocoon in October 09.  I had recently lost some weight and was exercising when I found myself being found attractive by the other sex. My last boyfriend from 6  years ago was physically and verbally abusive.  I got the heck out but closed myself off. I needed time to heal. 
I found being on Facebook was paving my way back into socializing. I just didn't realize I was headed in the wrong direction.
We will call him Alumni because we went to College together.  It started out so simple, a few pop up chats here and there.  Then it turned into long conversations via FB chat during the day. We were just talking and he had recently lost his job.  I am a quirky girl, I like video games, collecting old toys from childhood, wearing corsets, just a lil out there but in a good way.  He paid attention to me and I him.  Then in late November when I was at the library using the computer the conversation moved to the sexual tone. It got hot.  And then the messages and im chat were now turned to the danger zone.  I bought lingerie. I never really owned matching bra's and panties.  I wore it and would describe it to him.  It was simple and it was dangerous.  One day he had the guts to ask me to meet up.  I freaked out. His status said married but his FB was only of him.   I didn't think I could go thru with it, I didn't really know if I was even attracted to him but I was attracted to his attention. Hello, he is married. Am I that kind of girl? Don't I deserve a man to myself? Oh the questions that went thru my head.
 I decided to do it convincing myself it was only going to be coffee and conversation. Well, he canceled but called that evening. The actual phone conversation was the link.  Hearing his voice and him hearing mine sealed the deal. He came over the next week with a bottle of Pinot Noir, and a bizarre black and white movie.   I was a nervous wreck. And no, we didn't have sex.  Apparently taking medications these days and mixing it with alcohol does not always  help with the blood flow if you know what I mean.  Oh we made out like teenagers.  It was a lot of fun but we were a bundle of nerves.
3 weeks later, he surprised me with another visit.  This visit was all about him. There was nothing about me and it made me feel used.  We sort of ended it there and the fact he said he wouldn't be able to see me for 3 months. What is that about?  I deleted him from FB and then added him a week later. I couldn't stand not having him in my life.  I began to cut, like when I was a teen.  He was toxic to me and realizing that I found a therapist which I am currently still seeing. 
He came by again..this time we actually had sex.  Again nothing to write home about.  It felt great for those few minutes but really there is a reason why Viagra was invented and he really should go on it.  What makes me crazy is why I can't totally delete him from my life. I just wish that I would stop using him as a fantasy, thinking about being with him again. We have a synergy together but in reality he is not good for me.  It's opened my eye's to the reality of marriage.  Maybe it's not for me. I've learned men cheat and are good at it.  I've also learned it's all about them. There really isn't anything for me being the other woman but pain. One thing I've learned.  Don't have a FB account if  you are in a serious relationship or share one if you have to be connected.  Did you see any pro's in this story? There was one...I feel like a woman again. I feel sexy and secure and for that I will take as a pro.