Would You Compromise Who You Are For a Mate?

Would You Compromise Who You Are For a Mate?

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Name: Navygirl | | Location: Brooklyn , New York |Question: My girlfriend and I noticed something interesting about men approaching us. She's early 40s, I'm a female mid 30s.

On the rare times, when we are casual and dressed down (to the point, where we feel we look a hot mess) men approach us and ask us out.

When we are 'dolled up' and dressy, no one approaches us. They look, whistle, smile, etc.. but no one approaches. We smile, our body language is relaxed and open and still no one approaches.

We asked platonic male friends some reasons as to why this is, they listed the following
1. Dolled up, means we are high maintenance
2. We like to party and club
3. We have no intelligence
4. We are stuck up
5. When you look 'hot' you are only good for one thing (fwb)

Basically, dressed down women are low maintenance, girlfriend and wife material.

So my question to the men...if being 'dolled up' is being ourselves, but at the same time, no one is approaching us, do we need to compromise who we are to make it easier for guys to approach us??  |Age: 47

To start with, I don't believe for a moment that men are intimidated or thrown by a well put together and polished/sexy looking woman. Unless you're running around in your bra and sneakers, men are not judging your clothes. Of course, there's a line. If you have a plunging neckline with heaving breasts and a micro skirt, you're going to make a certain impression. And not "she's looking to get laid" More like, "she needs a lot of attention."  If you're heavily made up, men aren't going to be intimidated by you're beauty. They'll be wondering what you're hiding. And if all of your clothes are designer (and the only way a man would know this is if you tell him) he'll wonder if you'll expect him to bankroll your label addiction. These are the things men wonder. They are not, I repeat NOT, intimidated by a well put together, fashionable woman who can buy herself nice things. Men don't judge women based on what they wear. Men base their opinions, their final ones, on what she says and how she acts. Once she opens her mouth, the men aren't really looking at her outfit.

Moving on...

A number of questions spring to mind after reading this.

Question #1 - Is what you wear really who you are? - I see where you're going with the question and I understand the point you're trying to make. I don't think you actually believe your clothes define or are a statement to who you are as a person. If that's not the case, then you need to determine why you feel your outfits are a reflection of your character. Now, I think personal style is definitely a form of expressing our personality and feelings. When we dress up, https://www.yourtango.com/201072323/steamy-soupwe feel sexy, we feel happy, we're proud of whatever body parts we're showing off. That confidence and mood comes through. But I disagree that how you dress is about who you are. Rather, I think it's connected to how you feel. And our feelings change all the time.

Question #2 - When these guys whistle (gross) or smile, what do you do? Do you smile back? Do you stop and say hello? Or do you put your head down or avoid eye contact? They're initiating contact. Do they have to do all the work? If you're just standing there expecting the guy to walk over to you, then you're going to be waiting a long time. If they make eye contact and smile, then smile back and say Hi. Walk over to them, ask their name, start to talk to them. Meet them half way. Which brings us to the next question...

Question #3 - How do you define compromise? - This is a big one. I think a lot of people have very different definitions of those words we all hear when it comes to dating and relationships. Words like "compromise" and "settle." People hear the word "settle" and immediately think they're being told to take whatever they can get. That's not what people are saying when they suggest they not be so picky or to compromise. And it's that knee jerk reaction that people have that makes them dig their heels in the ground deeper. Know what happens when you do that? You stay in one place.

My friends and I were talking this weekend about how what I do for a living. (I believe Driving Me Nutes referred to it as a "sex business," Awesome.) I was telling them about an episode of Sex&The City I was watching. Carrie had given up her column to move to Paris.

"You gave up your column? But it's who you are!" Miranda said.

"No. It's what I do. I could stay here and write about my life or I could go to Paris and live it."

I think we often confuse pieces of our lives, habits and things we do regularly as being "who we are." I also think we use these thoughts and beliefs as excuses for not giving anyone a chance. The insufferable "I refuse to settle/compromise" mantra roars its head.

There are a lot of choices involved with developing certain belief systems and desires. OP, you have told yourself that how you dress is connected to who you are. But isn't that just an easy go-to excuse used to support this "why should I compromise?" theory that you and many other people use? Do you think maybe that's your way of trying to force the man's hand to make all the moves so you can feel desired? Is that really up to him to do that? It's as if nobody likes the idea of changing themselves because they fear it makes them weak.It doesn't. It's a strong person who can look at their life and determine what is working and what doesn't, take ownership and grow.

Ever hear new parents say how, the minute the held their child for the first time, everything looked and felt different? That feelings came over them that they had never really felt and suddenly they had a completely new outlook on life? What happened? They changed. It wasn't even in their control. They shed a lot of stuff instantly because, in a matter of minutes, their life was no longer just about them. You rarely ever hear parents refuse to change or compromise when it comes to raising their kids.They have to if they want to raise healthy kids. 

It's my belief that the minute we realize that everything isn't all about us, all those talking points and criteria that held us back falls away and opens us up to experiences and feelings we had never even known were possible.

There was a time when I would say, "If a guy doesn't like that I write about this stuff, then he's not for me. This is who I am."

No. This is what I do. And thinking that way lost me a lot of really great chances at happiness. Because I was more focused on me and "my journey." I used my writing as an excuse to hide. Now? If a guy said to me that he didn't like that I wrote this column or a blog about my life, I'd compromise.

In a heart beat.

So, the question, OP..the really important one..is this:

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?


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