Recap: Lori Gottlieb Redefines Settling

lori gottlieb marry him

Lori Gottlieb tells us to keep our minds open to love.

Last Monday, Lori Gottlieb—author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough—joined us in a live telechat hosted by the dating makeover coach Kira Sabin and our own Melanie Gorman. She joined women across the country who were tuning in via their telephones and submitted herself to our questions and pleas for love enlightenment. The meat of her message? We're not keeping ourselves open to love.

Lori Gottlieb wrote Marry Him at a time when she felt particularly lost. She was wondering why she hadn't yet found Mr. Right. She was wondering, at this point, if he even existed. She was wondering if... well... she was doing something wrong. It turns out that there were lots of women wondering the same exact things. Read Lori's essay: How To Fall In Love With Mr. Good Enough

And so, she began researching this phenomenon of women dissatisfied with the men they'd thus far come across. What did she learn?

It seemed that women were ruling out guys all the time because of the mental checklists they were carrying around in their heads. Unfortunately, these mental checklists weren't getting them any closer to true love. It made Gottlieb think: what if the items on our mental checklists couldn't really make us happy? What if we didn't really know what we needed?

Gottlieb's book exploded into the public consciousness, with women indignant that the the author was telling them to "settle." Gottlieb insists, however, that her subtitle is merely ironic. "This book is about making sure you're really looking for the love of your life," she says, "rather than chasing something else." She went on to tell teleclass attendees that, based upon her findings, women aren't being picky about the right things. She points out that both men and women need to make compromises when it comes to their romantic ideal. She says that we willingly do this in every other area of life except for love. Why is that? Gottlieb says, "So many women are asking 'Can I do better?' rather than 'Am I happy with him?'... I'm not asking anyone to give up on the fairy tale. The fairy tale just might be different."

Tonight, Gorman and Sabin will be interviewing Lisa Steadman, the author of If He's Not the One, Who Is? If you'd like to grill Steadman on who The One really is, sign up here, and then call in at 9 p.m. EST.