Where I Am Now


    Ok here we go.  Where do I begin?  I assume you want all the gory details.  Well they're not that gory, they're just messy.  
    For 20 years, I never had a hint of romance or flirtation.  Well maybe some flirtation, but none that really went anywhere.  Coming off of summer break and the beginning of my junior year in college, I meet a guy at a party.  He is soooo cute.  I find him during the party staring at me.  We talk a little, play a little beer pong, talk about our same interests in music.  Towards the end of the night I see him lying on the air bed.  I lie down next to him.  He whispers, "Hey cutie."  I can't resist it.  I kiss him.  He kisses back!  I am in love with the moment.  We make out in the bathroom.  When it starts to get intense, he stops and says, "I have to tell you something..."  I knew what he was going to say.  "I have a girlfriend.  And I feel like I'm cheating on her."  Awkward pause.  In my mind I wanted to tell him "You just did."  And by the way, he did.  
    Many more lonely months pass by.  During winter break, I meet someone online.  Also very cute.  We have the same interests.  I am away spending winter break at home and we just text for about a month.  During that time we grow a relationship.  He says that as soon as I get back we're going on a date.  He says either mini-golf or bowling.  I choose bowling.  We learn a lot about each other.  He knows I'm a virgin and is understanding.  Meaning that he doesn't think it's weird that I'm a 20-year old virgin.  I had always thought it was weird.  The texts turn sexual.  Honestly, I like it.  They make me feel sexy.  I come back from winter break and found that he broke his leg.  He becomes more distant.  I ask him when would be a good time for us to actually meet.  He says that he doesn't know if he can date me because he can't afford it because of his leg surgery.  I tell him I still want to meet.  This is where I get stupid.  In my desperation for a relationship (and maybe for sex) I agree to a "fun buddy" relationship.  All in all, it doesn't work out.  We had sex twice, both unsatisfactory and short.  He ends it through text message.  I hate him for it because I was planning to end it in person, but he gives me many excuses so that I don't see him.  He lies (or I suspect) about going to Pittsburgh for a month because his grandmother died.  If he did lie I would hate him because my grandmother just passed away and I wouldn't appreciate someone lying about that like it's ok to lie about.  He says we want to be friends.  So that's what we are... "friends".  
    To get over him, I go to a St. Patty's Day celebration at a club.  I'm looking for fun, nothing serious.  I meet this nice guy.  Maybe too nice.  I take him back to my place and we make out.  He says he can't stay too long and he leaves, promising to text me tomorrow.  I'm thinking in my head, "Yeah right."  He actually does.  We have a nice chat.  Then I don't hear from him for a week.  He texts all of a sudden and asks what's up.  We chat and I wait for him to ask me out.  My roommate tells me to ask him out.  I do.  We meet that night and watch a movie at my place.  It's cozy and I like it.  We have sex and have an intimate cuddling session that I love.  He's a sweet guy and is really into my needs.  He makes me worry about his needs.  We spend the rest of the day together, walking around 3rd street watching street performers, and have a nice talk.  I drive him back to his house and I wonder for a couple days when he's going to text me.  He doesn't.  My roommate says that he's shy and doesn't want to be the one who calls first.  So I do, and we make plans to hang out again at a party at my place.  He brings a friend and we play beer pong against each other and it's nice.  We end the night watching a movie and cuddling.  Then making out in my room.  He leaves early in the morning and now I'm wondering if I should wait for his text or text him first again.  
    He's not the hottest guy in the world, but I like his personality.  I wish he was more dominant and forthcoming.  We have many similar interests, but are also kind of different.  I don't know where this is going, but I hope it leads to something good.