Massages, snorkeling & tickle fights: Eric Massa's most shocking sexual shenanigans.
The long story short of the former Democratic Rep. Eric Massa from New York is this: An unexpected resignation last week for "health reasons," followed by a pledge to "not go quietly" wrapped in an acceptance of blame for "salty language" that ended with "You've set me up" accusations lobbed at the White House and a naked Rahm Emanuel pointing a finger to his chest in the showers. (Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?)
Yikes. Oh, did we mention that he is being investigated for sexually harassing two male aids? Allegations that are apparently "much more serious" than Massa has acknowledged, says a congressional source familiar with the investigation to ABC News.
Say what? He did to Glenn Beck last night:
BECK: So, the new allegations — first, it was, you made an off-color remark or you hit on a guy at a wedding.
MASSA: I — I — so —
BECK: Explain that one first.
MASSA: OK. So, we're at a wedding, New Year's Eve. Everyone had too much to drink. There were 300 people there. I went with a bridesmaid, danced with her, sat down. I went back to my staff, all the bachelors.
They all make the remarks that you can imagine about you ought to do this, you ought to do that. I grabbed the guy and tousled his hair and say, I ought to do it to you. And there are other words and they're all out there. I gave a full and complete disclosure and I left because I realized the party was getting to a place that I shouldn't be at. And I did it.
Now, they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday. It was kill the old guy.
You can take anything out of context. By the way, we all —
The thing is, he sets up the interview with a quote that leads us to believe that there's another shoe to drop, saying: "I wasn't forced out. I forced myself out. I failed. I didn't live up to my own codes. I own this. I take full and complete responsibility for my misbehavior. And goodness only knows what allegations they are going to throw at me. There's even new ones today and we'll talk about that. I own — I'm not blaming anybody."
Hmm... what will that be? Could it be that more past sexual shenanigans will be coming to light? From his tawdry navy days?
The New York Post reports that Massa 'massaged' and 'snorkled' subordinates while in Navy — snorkling, for those of who who don't know, is described as a "maneuver performed by placing your testicles over the eyes of your partner" according to UrbanDictionary.com) — two moves described by shipmates as "classic Massa."
And Talking Points Memo has a juicy bit from his time in the Persian Gulf during Desert Storm about his bid to lend a masturbatory helping hand to a roommate:
"I arrived back early from that and opened the door and — not to put quite a light on it — but the other gentleman was busy remembering his spouse. And I'll let your imaginations run wild," Massa said.
"I walked in and instead of embarrassing him I smacked him on the leg and said, 'you need any help with that, let me know.' And I went to bed. And he was so hideously embarrassed, he moved out of the state room, because he couldn't take it. Ladies and gentleman, we had been at sea for four months."
And here we thought that gay sex scandals belonged to the republicans! But is he? Is he gay? He's not going to answer that!