Wondering what I am holding onto??


I am sitting here at work...on break...and have poured through many different posts...just checking to make sure that I am not the only who is having a difficult time in the LOVE dept. Whew! Definitely not the only one so my privately reserved pity party has been put on hold for now.  Not that I want anyone else suffering just to make myself feel better it's just there are times that I feel a little less alone. About 30 days ago I told my finace/boyfriend/ex-husband (how's that for complicated?) that I was done with the relationship. The shocked look on his face actually shocked me. This man that I have given the last 6 years of my life to....ups and downs....together not together...separated...divorced and then tried to reconcile....turned and looked at me with the most hateful look I had seen for quite sometime....and told me what I joke I was and that I must be crazy. For the first time those words did not sting one bit and I have heard those words several times through the last 6 years. I was calm....not an emotion...not a tear (and I am a crier) no anger....no insulting words back....just done. He left the house and did not come back until the next morning and I was ok with that. I am not an unfeeling person. I love deeply, honestly and so on...but I have finally had enough. I have had enough of lies....enough of disloyalty....enough of being criticized...and more importantly....inadvertantly teaching my two young daughters....that what we had was a normal relationship. Shame on me. This is not the kind of  man that I would ever want my daughters with. And definitley not the kind of men that I want my sons to be either. In fact I read a post yesterday about RED FLAGS. The author was referencing women but the man I am with was all over that post and my eyes were opened even wider. I can't say that I didn't see those flags because I did....what i did do is refuse to ackowledge that they were there. My grandmother told me once....when I was a young sprite in my late twenties...." When someone tells you who they are...believe them." I didn't believe this man...everytime he told me who he was...because I didn't want to. I suppose I could go on about what a jerk he is...and he really is....but the simple fact is that he has never said or done anything to me that i didn't let him do....for one reason or another....all of which is now my quest to find out why....I made a choice to be a doormat for him and I finally got tired of it. Ya for me right? Well....I wish it was that easy. We still reside in the same house until I find another place to move into. To say that it's hard to remain in the same house during a break-up is a little more than surreal is all I can say about that. I have yet to see a Rule Book on how you act or things you say or don't say...I know if there is one... it sure would help at this moment. Everyday is a lesson in patience, tolerance, maintaining ones composure and definitely keeping your emotions in check. I have been on this rollercoaster ride for too long and look forward to a more peaceful...less vomit inducing ride. I am the one ending this relationship...yet I wonder why I worry about what he is doing when he is 3 hours late coming home from work. If I don't want this relationship than why am I worrying about what he is doing? Weird I know and probably more on the selfish side that I want to admit...but it is an honest feeling. So like the title of this post....I wonder what I am holding onto or better yet....maybe... when I say that I am not afraid to be alone...I am lying to myself. Maybe I am afraid to not hear the words " I love you" again. Maybe I am afraid that there will never be another kiss...or someone to hold my hand....but I already miss those things.....he has not just held my hand for months....and oh how I miss kissing! Kisses from him were cold....lifeless and mine were just as cold. I gave up who I was to be with him. It was easier than fighting as I don't like fighting. I miss me. I kinda like who I am. So maybe that's why I was calm....I started liking myself again and missed.....me! I know my kids miss who I was so maybe this is a good venue to get back to who I was and get my thoughts untangled from this discombobulated thing that has become my life.


Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
Are you REALLY thinking about their happiness?
If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
It seems like you can't do anything right.