Your Marriage Problems Solved... By A Blanket?

better marriage blanket
Love, Heartbreak

The Better Marriage Blanket creator is off to a good start but we'd like to add a few features.

A small-town teacher has created a product he claims will solve all of our marriage problems: The Better Marriage Blanket. (Yes. Subtle. We know.) We were excited when we first saw the press release. After all, the bedroom is pretty much ground zero when it comes to marital spats, what with the unmade bed, the laundry on the floor, couples' wildly divergent sleep schedules, etc. Visions of a product that could solve it all danced in our heads. And then we read on.

The Better Marriage Blanket is apparently only meant to stop "chemical warfare under the sheets," by absorbing any bad smells that may erupt due to uncontrollable flatulence. But…but…what about the war for the thermostat? ::sigh:: The Thermostat War, And 6 More Silly Compromises

Created so that those silent-but-deadly emissions won't spoil the romance, the odor-absorbing Better Marriage Blanket is made of the same kind of activated carbon fabric used in military chemical suits. Creator Frances Bibbo got the idea when using one of the suits during a bow hunting outing. He noticed that, if he "passed wind," the stench remained undetectable to the human nose. Impressive, yes, but has Bibbo missed a golden opportunity to create the Ultimate Marriage-Saving Blankie, something that absorbs odors—yes—but also solves a host of other bedroom problems? Some suggestions for the Better Marriage Blanket 2.0: Is Your Bedroom Sex-Ready?

Make one half thicker than the other. Because—dude!—one half of every couple typically complains about the cold and piles on more blankets, while the other half complains about the heat, and makes repeated references to the gas bill.

Make the top of the blanket crumb-resistant. That way, our husbands can't complain when we eat glazed donuts and Cheez-its in bed. Poll: What's Your Favorite Bedroom Food?

Place built-in book lights in each corner of the blanket. Because sleep schedules typically differ, and one half of a couple typically wants to spend hours reading in bed, while the other half just wants to go to sleep, for the love of god. While you're at it, throw in some complimentary sleep masks.

Add sleeves. How else can you expect to compete with the Snuggie and the Slanket!? Snuggie: The Ultimate Relationship Killer

Once these updates are implemented…well…we might finally see world peace.

What other features would you add to the Better Marriage Blanket?