The Lover Experiment, Pt. 1

Sex, Self

I have taken a lover. I’ve always been curious about having someone with whom I can have fantastic sex and interesting conversation yet no traditional relationship. On one hand, the idea of pleasure without problems intrigued me. On the other hand, I questioned whether I was actually capable of being intimate with someone without developing a strong emotional attachment. I wrote about this dilemma in my entry Let’s Talk About Love, Baby. At that time, I concluded that engaging in a casual relationship was something I could not bring myself to do. I chose the protection of my heart and ego over my desire for bodily pleasures. I have since changed my stance, but not without careful consideration. 


I introduced Mr. Vanilla in the post titled The Older Lover. Mr. Vanilla has turned out to be quite an onion of a person. Whereas I am completely blunt and upfront, Mr. Vanilla has been revealing himself in layers. My first idea of him was a soft-spoken man who was unlucky in love, hence his single status at the age of 41. My second opinion (which was admittedly influenced by my fear of getting played) was of a heartless perpetual bachelor who gave into his desires but was devoid of emotions. I am learning that he’s really none of these things. In fact, I’m not sure I could have ended up with a better person to be lovers with. He’s very honest, which I appreciate it. He’s not afraid of intimacy because we both know exactly what we’re doing and where we’re coming from. We can go from having sex, to laying in bed talking about anything, to having more sex. Communicating with him is easy because there’s no pressure – it’s really a lot like talking to a male friend. As a person, I appreciate him. I even like him. But I’m comfortable in this situation because I know I could never love him. I’m an intense romantic, he’s a workaholic. He’s been truthful in revealing that the reason he’s a perpetual bachelor is because he simply can’t offer enough of himself to a relationship. There’s something to be said for that kind of honesty.


Now - on to the good stuff. Our first sexual encounter was preceded by over an hour of foreplay, very enjoyable foreplay I might add. However, the intense and drawn out foreplay ended up stealing the mojo from the actual act. It was short and it was lacking. This is where the restaurant theory comes in. If you go to a restaurant for the first time and the appetizers are delicious but the main course left you a bit disappointed, do you write the place off or come back again in hopes that it’s better the next time? In Mr. Vanilla’s case, his appetizers were too good to pass up a second trip. The second time was an improvement. It wasn’t amazing because we were still figuring each other’s bodies out, but it was still enjoyable. An hour later, we went again, and that time was yet another improvement. I was correct in my initial observations – the man has incredible potential. Last night was fantastic. Our bodies have tuned in to each other very easily. I think with a couple more sessions, we’ll both be hitting consecutive home runs!


Partaking in a casual relationship takes quite a bit of mental effort for me. I have to refrain from wondering why he’s not falling in love with me. I have to work to block the attachment that sex can form. I have to resist the urge to get too deep with him. But as long as he’s getting deep in me, I think I can handle it ;)