Eroticism is Not a Competitve Sport


Lila here~ So many times couples focus on the Big O when they talk or think about their sexual encounters.  That’s typical for men, who tend to be goal oriented.  It’s also typical for women who are disconnected from their feminine essence or who have a lot of masculine energy in their make up.  Not that there’s anything wrong with having an orgasm of course, but having it as your sole focus can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you if you can’t perform.

For women, having an orgasm during sex is not automatic (except in the fantasy world of pornography).  Some women rarely orgasm, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like sex.  Most women need clitoral stimulation and some kind of emotional connection to be able to orgasm.  However, there are lots of other things that feel great besides the Big O.  The body is full of erogenous zones if you take the time to explore it.

The next time you are with a new partner, or even if you want to revamp your sex life in an existing relationship, try this instead.  Focus on all the steps that lead up to “the moment” instead of focusing on the orgasm itself.  I guarantee that it will make the sex more satisfying.  Here are some suggestions:

1.      Send a steamy text.  Not raunchy, but suggestive or subtle.  For example, “I was just thinking about how soft your skin is,” or “I was just thinking about how strong your thighs are--mmmm.”

2.      Agree to abstain from intercourse for a month.  And then practice doing everything else.

3.      Have a date night, and agree to only make out.  Kissing only, with maybe a little roaming hands.  Think back to high school and first base, rounding toward second.  You go to fast and you’re out!

4.      Practice other ways to make your partner feel good.  Massage is an easy one; who doesn’t love a shoulder or foot rub?!  Kick it up a notch by making it a sensual massage with oil.  Kick it up a few more notches by making it a sensual massage with edible flavored oil.

5.      Explore your partner’s body with your hands and your mouth.  Ask for feedback as you go.  Not everyone likes getting their nipples rubbed, and sometimes people have erogenous buttons in random places (like the back of the knee or the crook of the elbow).

As for #2 on my list, it’s perfectly fine if you don’t make it through the entire month without having intercourse.  But if you work on the other steps while trying to abstain, it will definitely make your sex life steamier.