Women's Clothing Decoded

woman in colorful top

What she's really trying to say with a V-neck top and high heels may surprise you.

I feel really sorry for the guys who read Men’s Health and get all sorts of bad advice ... usually in the form of “insightful” articles written by women. I can only imagine these ladies must have been dumped hard-core—maybe in a text message or at their mother’s funeral or something—to have it out for men the way they do. What else explains the desire to push guys in the wrong direction time and time again? To set them up not just for rejection and failure, but for utter humiliation as well? This time the readers of Men’s Health—oh, the poor lot—have been led to believe they can decipher a woman’s thoughts by the clothes she’s wearing. After the jump, Men’s Health translates different outfits and then I say what we women are really saying. The Frisky: How To Seduce Someone (Or Simply Get A Date)

SCENARIO: We’re wearing a belted dress or skirt.
Men’s Health says: We “feel pretty, classically feminine, and flirty.” We want to be “wooed by a more mature kind of man.”
I say: We can’t wait to get home so we can undo our belt, slip back into our yoga pants and camp out in front of a “Bridezillas” marathon with a pint of Haagen-Dazs. The Frisky: The Little Things Guys Do That Make Us Swoon

SCENARIO: We’re wearing a “revealing v-neck top.”
Men’s Health says: We’re ready to get busy and possibly even make a baby. Something to do with ovulation and dressing sexier when our bodies tell us it’s time to procreate?
I say: It’s clean, it fits, it looks good with our new skinny jeans. Also, we like the way our boobs look in it. The Frisky: First Date Fashion Faux Pas

SCENARIO: We’re wearing high heels.
Men’s Health says: We want the guys to check out our butt.
I say: We want our girlfriends to check out our shoes. The Frisky: MERRIMe, A New Web Comedy About Online Dating