My Journey As A Mamma's Boy


To begin with, my mother basically absorbed me emotionally into herself to meet a need that neither my dad was meeting nor her parents ever met. Even when she remarried when I became 12, being emotionally engulfed with my mom felt wrong and I told her to please let go of me for she had a new husband and step-children to get close to. Sad to say, but she never accepted his kids, but I did.

Thus, I've had a time emerging as just me with some definition and boundaries of my own. I'm glad to say that we have talked about this in depth several years ago before she got into the declined state she is in now residing in a nursing home. She said that she knew what she did years ago in raising me "on a pink pillow" (as my dad called it) was going to cause me much pain in life, but she could not help that. I admire her for her courage to face this and to share this with me. So, I don't judge her.

This parent-child experience led me to seek out a woman who be basically the 'mom I did not have' and so I married a woman several years older than myself. It also led me to take many years before I did get married for I was a bit fearful and found looking at a variety of porn, then going to strip clubs, and then to massage parlors safe ways of handling my fears of real human intimacy. That was not the only thing going on though for I was being overly athletic and religious in attempt to drown out other desires for physical intimacy within me.

My early and continued pain of never being close with my dad or step-dad led me seek physical intimacy with other males to help deal with it. This in part, plus whatever else, explains why I am bisexual which I am so glad that my wife accepts in light of her own childhood background and I now know she took some similar type paths in life as I before we got married.

Now, we have become open with each other about who we fully are and we do as well as do not want to do with that. This has brought about a greater sense of intimacy and freedom into our marriage as well as a sense of wholeness in each of us as persons.