You Don't "Luck Into" Love: How To Find It

love in 90 days

Dating weary? Dr. Diana Kirschner offers advice for finding love—and fast.

So, what's with this "dating program of three?" You want women to date three men at once?

Yes. But you don't have sex with any of them. Sex starts this whole business of oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone that you get from physical touch. Dopamine is also involved and it's the rocket fuel of addictive love. So your body can start falling in love with someone and it could be someone who's just not into you. 

If you go on the dating program of three you avoid that flame of over-involvement. You also empower yourself—you tell the guys on the second date that this is what you're doing and the good ones hang in there because they know you're special.

But it's hard enough finding one guy to date. How're you supposed to get three?

That's what everybody says: "Three guys!?" The first thing you do is sign up for two online dating sites. I recommend one that is large and one is a boutique site—something like JDate or Greensingles.com, so it's based on your background or your interests.  Number two—you meet guys offline by going to activities and classes where there are lots of men in them: business, leadership and sport activities, wine tasting, cigar tasting. Whatever sounds like fun to you.

What are deadly dating habits?

These are the dating patterns where we make the same mistakes over and over and over again. A common one is "The Flameout": we meet a hottie, we jump in too soon, we're spending five-hour dates with him, we're having sex with him, it's unbelievable—and it disappears. No text, no email, no call, no nothing. 

Another one is called "Not perfect, I'll pass," which is being really picky and judgmental. "When we were at the Starbucks, he spilled his coffee on himself, so I can't take another look at him."

Another one is "Crumbs." You settle for whatever you can get. Let's say you're in love with somebody who's like the character Mr. Big used to be on Sex and the City before he married Carrie. You settle for crumbs because you think that's the best you're going to get. The guy may be married or a player, but you stay with him anyway.

I have 13 deadly dating patterns in Love in 90 Days, and there are fix-its for each one.

Can you give us a clue about the fix-its?

When you choose guys based on the "duds vs studs" criteria, it'll break through your deadly dating patterns. A dud is a definitely unworkable dude. A stud is a seriously terrific, utterly devoted dude. The three criteria that separate the duds from the studs are questions you have to ask yourself: One: is this guy crazy about me? Two: is he willing to grow? And three: is he meeting the basics? That is, is he a good guy?  Does he have integrity and want the same things you want? 

Answering the questions stops you from being too picky. It stops you from being a hermit or just taking crumbs. These particular criteria help you give a chance to the guys that are "not your type."

What is the "diamond self?"

Dr. Diana: If you're shy, one of the things you can do is work on is what I call your diamond self, which has to do with remembering a time when you felt fantastic, connected and lovable. Then, you actually give yourself a name—kind of like what Queen Latifah did. Her real name is Dana Owens, but she gave herself a "diamond self" name and you can see that it's very self-loving and empowering. You do this before you go into a party, and all of a sudden it's fun.

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This article was originally published at YourTango. Reprinted with permission from the author.