The 2009 celebrity romance predictions are in.
OMNDHP*, 2008 is over and 2009 is ready for some hot celebrity action. Unfortunately, leopards don't change their spots so it'll be a lot more of the same from your favorite celebrities this year. A few new ones will be added but they'll likely be teenagers and we won't have to worry about their love lives. Here are things that will happen to our favorite celebrities in 2009, guaranteed:
Jennifer Aniston Gets Pregnant. Most celebrities love babies like runway models love laxatives. And Jennifer Aniston has paid her dues and has watched Brad, Angelina and Brangelina wave their babies around silently for too long. Her biological clock has been waking her up to "I'll Be There For You" for too many years. This year her womb gets filled. In a related story, John Mayer will be on the mend from a vasectomy then a vasovasostomy then another vasectomy after Aniston gets knocked up.
Gossip Girl Dates Outside Of The Show. Gossip Girl restarts tonight and it'll be a big year for the Upper Eastsiders. But the cast members will grow tired of the backstage incest and start dating other celebrities. Unfortunately, not many show full of sexy, fake teens film in NYC. So, the casts of SNL and The Daily Show will be dating way young and out of their league. Although Penn Badgley and Blake Lively will get engaged (possibly engaged to be engaged or even promise to be engaged to be engaged).
Amanda Seyfried Will Date Someone Famous. Big Love is back in a couple of weeks and threatening to feature the eldest daughter, Sarah Henrickson, more frequently. Although I didn't see Mamma Mia, I recognize that its singing, sunny, fatherless star is on the verge of stardom. This will require her to find a guy. It would be easy to pawn her off to Robert Pattinson or Chace Crawford, but I think Adam Brody would be a fine start. Her castmate and aunt / stepmom on Big Love, Ginnifer Goodwin, will also have a big, romantic year (that Chris Klein is a great springboard).
Anne Hathaway Will Date A Decent Guy. Anne Hathaway will find a nice guy who is not a social climber and has no fraudulent hobbies. Unfortunately, this guy will bore Anne Hathaway to tears. She'll then spend a weird 2 weeks in Vegas, first with Dane Cook, then with Criss Angel.
Pink Will Switch Teams. Pink once said that she'd go gay for Natalie Portman. Uh, step 1 to knowing someone is gay is that they divorce a husband that they claim to love. Step 2 is copping to feeling attracted to a member of the same gender. We're only a macraméd pair of jean shorts away from being totally sure. We could be wrong; she may just opt for bi, for now.
Sienna Miller Will Date Someone Else's Dude. Sienna Miller is not, repeat NOT, a home wrecker. She just appreciates that married men have something to offer that single guys don't. Namely, in the words of Alec Baldwin from The Departed, "Marriage is an important part of getting ahead: lets people know you're not a homo; married guy seems more stable; people see the ring, they think at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch; ladies see the ring, they know immediately you must have some cash or your c*ck must work." And she's working on Nottingham (probably) with Russell Crowe soon.
Spencer Pratt And Brody Jenner Will Make Out Hard. There's no explanation needed for this one. It's only a matter of time. Bromance indeed-y.
Leonardo DiCaprio And George Clooney Make A Bachelor Pact. Leo and Geo will engage in a tontine with major consequences for the first to marry. If Leo marries first, he has to make an un-paid appearance as Brad Pitt's wisecracking brother in the next installment of the Oceans series. If Clooney marries first, he has to use an accent (preferable some sort of brogue, maybe Scottish) in his next movie.
Kate Hudson Will Get Married. Kate Hudson's name has not been around much lately. We assume that we'll hear all types of noise when she starts doing promo work of Bride Wars. And then she'll get married. Hopefully to Gerard Butler. It may not last more than 6 weeks.
One Of The Jonas Brothers Will Get Laid. This prediction has the highest degree of certainty. There are some women out there that a purity ring will not protect you against. It's like Blade the vampire hunter has all of a vampire's strengths and none of their weaknesses. And we're guessing it will be Joe Jonas who breaks first. This may be a fait accompli after the insane crowd at Times Square for NYE (including Taylor Swift).
That's it. All of these things will happen to your favorite celebrities in 2009. Only mortgage the house on this if you've got a bailout in place, only gamble irresponsibly with house money.
*Oh My Non-Denominational Higher Power