Self

My Old Blog, A History Of Crazy

My old blog, a history of crazy

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Subject : ask me to read this

Posted Date: : Jul 6, 2008 6:04 AM

I have realized that I am incapable of
caring about anyone but myself. 

I don't trust anyone I meet anymore.

I savagely go after what I want and often
get it by lying and saying what they want to hear.

I'll never call you again. 

I'm trying to replace love with meaningless
sex.

I can go from cockiest guy in the world to
suicidal depressed with a single text message.

I constantly need validation from friends
and strangers.

I fear that I might someday become a serial
killer, seriously.

I know I need to talk to a professional for
help, and I'm not afraid to do that.  I
just don't have the time or resources because of work.

I want to die honorably in combat or maybe
trying to help someone.

I am absolutely petrified and sometimes
lose sleep over my own mortality.

I just want someone to listen to me, but I
can't open up even when I try.  I can
never find the right words. 

The only thing I don't like about being
alone is that no one is there to pay attention to me.  And it gets boring.

I hide behind my internet profiles because
I am so afraid of rejection in person. 
In fact, the last 4 girls I've slept with were all from the internet.

I really want to meet a nice girl in a
bookstore.  I hate meeting girls at bars
and using the internet so much makes me feel like a creeper. 

My walls have been fortified by years of
bitterness and being an asshole to people. 

I don't know what else to say.

Help me.

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Subject : sick.

Posted Date: : Apr 21, 2008 6:16 PM

I'm not even back in california yet and I'm
already depressed.  I don't want to go
back.  I want to stay in cleveland.  I want to be with my family and friends back
home.  I want to do something new with my
life.  I want to get out of the marines
as quickly as possible.  I want to do
something else.  I don't want to be a
marine anymore.  Almost 6 years active
duty.  That's more than my fair
share.  Fuck, its more than your share
too.  All of you, well, most of you.  I hate it so much I actually cried.  I need a way out.  I need a change.  I need to do something different with my
life.  The gamble is too great.  The odds, to steep.  I don't want this to be all I do with my
life.  Sometimes I think the only way to
die is with honor serving your country. 
But in some ways in mind that is just giving up.  I'm so afraid of the future that I put myself
in harms way in hopes of bringing glory to myself thru death in battle.  That just isn't what I want anymore.  I don't want to stand at attention and snap
off salutes and be the very best there is anymore.  I'm sick of it.  I wasn't cut out for the grunts, well, maybe
I was, but I haven't proven myself yet. 
Even with a deployment under my belt. 
I don't know.  I'm giving very
serious consideration to going UA for 30 days and getting a lawyer.  It might take 6 months but I'd be done with
it at least and free.  I need something
new.  I want cleveland. 

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Subject : Lost.

Posted Date: : Apr 7, 2008 3:31 AM

I just spent the entire night getting
current on the 4th season instead of sleeping. 
All I can say about that show is what the everloving fuck is going on?

I love this shit.

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Subject : Later, Cleveland

Posted Date: : Feb 9, 2007 12:29 AM

So this is it.  I'm finally getting out of this hell hole
known as clevleland ohio.  Land of no
good jobs. 

Fuck it.

I

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