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My Old Blog, A History Of Crazy

My old blog, a history of crazy

Antiqua","serif";">Posted Date: : Sep 21, 2009 8:47 PM

Well, its funny how well plans work out.

I was so sure that I knew what I was doing
and that I was in control and that I would get what I want.

I have this really nasty habit of getting
what I want.  And apparently I have a
nastier habit of freaking out when I don't. 

What am I, 6?

So I'm a commit-a-phobe, and I have no idea
how to base a relationship on anything other than sex.  I don't trust people and I can't express
anything remotely resembling feelings. 

Good to know.

So she knows I like her, and I know she
likes me.  And she doesn't want to call
it dating.  And I do.  And I don't like that she doesn't want to,
and I don't know how to read her and apparently if I want to know all I have to
do is ask, or talk.  Communication. 

What the fuck is this? 

It kind of feels like I have been living in
a bubble.  Meet a girl, sleep with her,
move on but be nice enough to keep her around if I can't find something
better.  Don't get too close, don't get
too personal. 

Don't let anyone in.

Don't be vulnerable.

This scares the shit out of me.  How does someone that has done everything
possible to avoid relationships start one and keep one?

I don't even know where to start. 

This is the scariest first step I have
faced in a long time.  I don't like being
scared.  But I'm gonna have to face it
one day.  Or I could just be alone.

--

We hung on out on sunday at the beach.  We had a nice day.  I said some awkward things.  I'm not as good at being a boyfriend as
thought I would be (maybe thats why she wants to take it slow). 

We talked but it was always just being
polite.  Friendly conversation while
holding hands, kissing.  We'd say nice
things to and about each other.  It never
get passed superficial. 

So I basically threw a fit.  After we watched a movie at her (parents)
house, I left to go home but couldn't get far. 
I had this strong desire inside of me to say something.  To give an ultimatum.  I wasn't feeling it.  It didn't feel real.

So I said, hey, this isn't working for
me.  This isn't what I want.  It's the most honest thing I ever said to
anyone in a long long time. 

I was an asshole.  Completely unwarranted.  It's kind of my default move.  Things get too real, burn the bridge. 

I do want something real, I'm just not sure
how it works and I don't know the rules and I'm really really bad at it.  Hahahaha. 

Fuck.

At least I'm trying and a year ago I don't
think I would have even dared. 

I got a lot of shit going on.  And a lot of things to juggle and think about
and deal with.  But so does every body
else. 

This is therapeutic in an odd self
discovery kind of way. 

And I like her, I don't know why, but I
do.  Everything inside of me is screaming
to just run away but I want to try.  I
want to risk getting crushed, hurt.  Just
to remember how much fun and rewarding it can be to have something worth
having. 

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Subject : recovery act of 2009

Posted Date: : Sep 16, 2009 9:43 PM

I've been calling it my mid-life crisis,
but I may or may not have actually matured as oppose to making empty promises
to myself.

I haven't had a cigarette since saturday
night, I haven't wanted one.

I saw my ex on leave, she was always kind
of my "what if" chick.  I just
confirmed for myself that I have no feelings for her like that anymore and it
gave me real closure finally.  We always
just kind of pretended everything was ok for so long and I never really dealt
with how I felt about it all.  Now I can
honestly say I have no doubt in my mind that not being with her was supposed to
happen.  Still, I wish you well and I
hope your life is filled with happiness.

I don't care to get shit-house wasted every
night.  Saw some of my guys getting
alcohol at the PX after work.  A lot of
alcohol.  I just couldn't imagine trying
to function day to day like that again. 
Believe me, I used to.  I'm
content to have a (singular) beer with diner a few nights a

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