Self

My Old Blog, A History Of Crazy

My old blog, a history of crazy

putting my hand in the air. 

I hate not knowing whats going on.  I hate waiting on other people.  I am definitely of the "if you want it
done right, you have to do it yourself" school.  I don't trust people.  This isn't some boo-hoo, emo,
right-a-song-about-it bullshit.  I just
think you'll fuck it up.  And if
something that involves me is going to get fucked up, I want to be the one to
do it.  That way there is no one else to
blame, and I can invent more interesting ways of getting my way.

The whole point of this blog entry?

I'm gonna go have a cigarette.

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Subject : fuck yous

Posted Date: : Oct 30, 2006 4:43 PM

Sometimes I read your profile and it makes
me want to kill myself.  No one wants to
see someone they loved in love and happy with someone else.

I can't stand another day in this
house.  My mother is dead to me, she died
a year ago.  she just won't stop
breathing.  Or complaining.

If i won the lottery, I would pay back the
people who have helped me and disappear. 
I really want to win the lottery. 
Shit, 50 grand would do the trick.

I have a carefree attitude most of the
time, but in all honesty, I am scared shit less of the future. 

I sort of hope I die in Iraq.  That way, enough people will be tricked into
thinking I was a good person.

I always talk about how I hate emo kids,
but in all honesty, I'm about as emo as they get.

I'm tired of disappointing myself.

I'm tired of being scared.

I have almost no self confidence, but
somehow manage to pretend to be cocky infront of most people.

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Subject : im betting im not

Posted Date: : Oct 29, 2006 11:17 PM

I sometimes spend a lot of time thinking
about my future.  Where am I going to end
up?  What am I going to do with my
life?  Will I ever pay off my god damn
car?  I spent some time earlier browsing
through random profiles, just having a good time seeing who is out there.  It is kind of funny when I run into people I
knew in a past life, and see what it is that they are doing now. 

I don't know.

In the year that I have been free of
military restrictions, I have grown disgusted with my slothfull and wastefull
ways.  But then I realize some of these
kids I went to high school or whatever with have been doing that for 5 years
now. 

A while ago, a buddy of mine and I ran into
some douche bag at a bar.  It was near
closing time and and almost completely empty and this one guy recognized me and
called me over.  I talked to him for
about 2 minutes, which was enough time for him to drunkenly tell me how he is
going no where in life.  As we left the
bar that night, my friend and I, I told him that there was no way I wanted to
end up like that.  I pretty much made up
my mind to go college at that point.

College was a joke.  I didn't have time for it because I needed to
work so many hours to pay off my impressive debt.  I stuck it out for a semester, joined the
Delta Sigs, and then quit to work full time. 
I have had 6 jobs in the last year. 
None of them interested me enough to stick around.  I hated all of them.

Long story short, I'm about 2 months away
from being "that guy".  So, for
now, I have to start working towards a future for myself.  Or at least earn enough to get out of
debt.  But then what?  Who knows. 

While I was browsing random profiles, I
came across an atractive young lady who had recently graduated law school and
within the last week or so passed the Bar exam. 
I believe she is 25 years old. 
While I have no doubt that she has had some fun going to college for
however long that took and can look forward to what will hopfully become a
long, rewarding, career in law or politics, I can't help but feel a little
sorry for her.  She has decided on and
set a course for herself, which is admirable, but who wants to grow up that
fast?  Granted, I don't have a law
degree, but she doesn't really have a future either.  Just a degree, a job and, like the rest of
us, and un-escapable death.

All I know is that I did not go to law
school and pass the bar by the time I was 24 like she did, and that

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