Top of Form Subject : You Need Acceptance Posted Date: : Oct 23, 2009 10:06 PM http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoyouneedmostquiz/ You aren't truly happy in life unless you are able to accept yourself, flaws and all. You also need to be accepted by other people. You like feeling you belong and that you're not being judged. You are a welcoming and open minded person. It's not hard for you to accept others for who they are. You believe that everyone is happiest when we live without judgement or prejudice. And you're doing your part to make that happen. What Do You Need Most? The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : patience vs expectations Posted Date: : Oct 18, 2009 8:35 PM Good things come to those who wait. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it TEN MINUTES AGO! That just isn't how things work. Right now, I'm pretty happy with the way things are going in my personal life. I'm making better decisions and I'm not blowing all my money getting drunk. Shit, I was hammered after 4 beers friday night. Success is the best revenge. I saw an old "her" this weekend. She is still an emotionless shell of a human being. I look like fucking ghandi compared to her. It's ok to let people into your life. And to think, the person I used to be couldn't see himself with anyone else. I win. So now I'm happy not being in a relationship. I'm getting to know someone very slowly, at our own pace. And I haven't put any ridiculous expectations on it. This is someone I want to know and learn about become close with and whatever happens happens. Learning to trust, learning to give, learning let people in. It seems like such elementary ideas but sometimes you need to stop and evaluate where you are in life and try to catch up where you're falling behind. I decided that I'm too hard on myself sometimes. A lot of times. I need to lose the superiority complex that I seem to have, its just doesn't fit me. I mean, I know I'm better than everyone else, that doesn't mean I have to make sure everyone knows that. They should just be able to tell. ;) (that was a joke) Just because I don't have expecatations on this one thing doesn't mean I will settle for whatever I get. I'm one hell of a catch, if I let you get to know me. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : thoughts and observations Posted Date: : Sep 30, 2009 8:27 PM I know this girl that makes me wonder about whats possible. Theres this girl thats on my mind. She's impossible. (What I mean by impossible is the least likely thing I would have expected to happen to me. Just for clarity sake.) In other news, I'm in charge of the platoon for the most part while all the important people are away. My new boss guy likes me. This big house is boring by myself. I should get a dog, I'm just worried it will die while I'm at work since this is the middle of no where. My to do list grows twice as fast as I knock things off of it. This is gay. I'm preparing myself for IMLC (infantry mortars leaders course) mentally. It's too late to unfuck how out of shape I am. I need to lose about 15 pounds and this course will do the trick. College classes are gay. especially online ones. I need to bullshit 3-4 pages of random dribble this weekend. Should be fun. Otherwise I'm ok. Just really bored. I'm gonna try to make plans with people I don't normally make plans with but still find tolerable. I get off work at 1pm everyday and have nothing to do when I get home besides a few small chores. I'm going on the subway diet. I'm going to start walking to subway for lunch. I love all the extra money I'm making by not living in the barracks. This ended up being very beneficial for me. I love it. Ok, clever sign off phrase. Mikey [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : expectations Posted Date: : Sep 23, 2009 8:28 PM First, a couple announcements: Wanna be on my perferred list? ask and you shall recieve I hope I don't ramble too long because I'd much rather be sleeping. Ok, now to some content: To put it all simply, and without elaborating on specifics or any other bullshit, I think people going into ANYTHING without expectations is retarded. Seriously, when did people stop having standards? I talked to my friend Chelsea earlier today and she agreed with me. I was having issues on things with a friend and I was asking everyone I could for input. What would you do? What do you think this means? A lot of people said that my expectations were too high. At first, I believed them and said yeah maybe you're right. but then I started thinking about what that would actually mean. And I came up with a resounding "fuck that shit!" If you don't have expectations in your life, than why do you do anything. Do you get a job and have not expect to succeed? Do you buy a car and not expect it to work? Do you go out to diner and not expect good service? Seriously, this whole "you just got your expectations up" bullshit is retarded. Yeah, I got expectations. I expect to be able to create relationships that mean something. I expect to have mutually fullfilling experiences with people that I like. I expect an honest effort from people that I meet and interact with. I expect to hold myself to a high standard. I expect not to settle. I expect to think I deserve the absolute best for myself and to not accept anything short of that. I expect honesty. I expect to be trusted. I can deal with hesitation, reasonable doubt and caution. What I can't deal with is being wishy-washy, less than fully honest or fence sitting. This isn't directed at anyone in particular. This is what I expect of myself. And to fall short of this, lets just say its not expected. If I take someone out on a date, its not because i have nothing better to do or no one better to hang out with. Its because I find something interesting and intriguing in that person and want to know more. If you fight for it, then so will I. I may be quick to snap to conclusions, and I might spend a hell of a lot of time on the defensive, but if I see a genuine stake in something, I'm much more likely to give my best. And I expect nothing short of that from myself. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : catchy title again Posted Date: : Sep 21, 2009 8:47 PM Well, its funny how well plans work out. I was so sure that I knew what I was doing and that I was in control and that I would get what I want. I have this really nasty habit of getting what I want. And apparently I have a nastier habit of freaking out when I don't. What am I, 6? So I'm a commit-a-phobe, and I have no idea how to base a relationship on anything other than sex . I don't trust people and I can't express anything remotely resembling feelings. Good to know. So she knows I like her, and I know she likes me. And she doesn't want to call it dating. And I do. And I don't like that she doesn't want to, and I don't know how to read her and apparently if I want to know all I have to do is ask, or talk. Communication. What the fuck is this? It kind of feels like I have been living in a bubble. Meet a girl, sleep with her, move on but be nice enough to keep her around if I can't find something better. Don't get too close, don't get too personal. Don't let anyone in. Don't be vulnerable. This scares the shit out of me. How does someone that has done everything possible to avoid relationships start one and keep one? I don't even know where to start. This is the scariest first step I have faced in a long time. I don't like being scared. But I'm gonna have to face it one day. Or I could just be alone. -- We hung on out on sunday at the beach. We had a nice day. I said some awkward things. I'm not as good at being a boyfriend as thought I would be (maybe thats why she wants to take it slow). We talked but it was always just being polite. Friendly conversation while holding hands, kissing. We'd say nice things to and about each other. It never get passed superficial. So I basically threw a fit. After we watched a movie at her (parents) house, I left to go home but couldn't get far. I had this strong desire inside of me to say something. To give an ultimatum. I wasn't feeling it. It didn't feel real. So I said, hey, this isn't working for me. This isn't what I want. It's the most honest thing I ever said to anyone in a long long time. I was an asshole. Completely unwarranted. It's kind of my default move. Things get too real, burn the bridge. I do want something real, I'm just not sure how it works and I don't know the rules and I'm really really bad at it. Hahahaha. Fuck. At least I'm trying and a year ago I don't think I would have even dared. I got a lot of shit going on. And a lot of things to juggle and think about and deal with. But so does every body else. This is therapeutic in an odd self discovery kind of way. And I like her, I don't know why, but I do. Everything inside of me is screaming to just run away but I want to try. I want to risk getting crushed, hurt. Just to remember how much fun and rewarding it can be to have something worth having. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : recovery act of 2009 Posted Date: : Sep 16, 2009 9:43 PM I've been calling it my mid-life crisis, but I may or may not have actually matured as oppose to making empty promises to myself. I haven't had a cigarette since saturday night, I haven't wanted one. I saw my ex on leave, she was always kind of my "what if" chick. I just confirmed for myself that I have no feelings for her like that anymore and it gave me real closure finally. We always just kind of pretended everything was ok for so long and I never really dealt with how I felt about it all. Now I can honestly say I have no doubt in my mind that not being with her was supposed to happen. Still, I wish you well and I hope your life is filled with happiness. I don't care to get shit-house wasted every night. Saw some of my guys getting alcohol at the PX after work. A lot of alcohol. I just couldn't imagine trying to function day to day like that again. Believe me, I used to. I'm content to have a (singular) beer with diner a few nights a week and I'm sure as hell going to drink if I go out to a bar on the weekend, I just don't feel like I have to all the time anymore. PT is kicking my ass lately but I think its good for me. I we played football twice this week and I spent a lot of time on both D and offensive lines. It was a shit ton of fun and I think I played pretty well. I know I played hard at the very least. I was pretty lazy on leave so I guess I need to keep pushing myself to get better. I could stand to lose a few pounds as well. I LOVE LIVING OFF OF BASE!!!! Let me say that again... I FUCKING LOVE LIVING OFF BASE!!!!! It is fantastic. Me and my room(house) mate have gotten everything pretty well organized and everything is going smoothly. I got most of the furniture I need for cheap and I am almost done getting what I need. My room looks how I want it to look and I don't live on base anymore so I'm not surrounded by marines all the god damn time. I even set up my DJ crap this afternoon, finally. I paid less than $50 on used furniture and all I need to do now is find a desk. Go me. I FUCKING LOVE LIVING OFF BASE!!!! It really is that great. In conclusion, I am really happy with my life and how things are going for me out here. It could be a lot worse and I'm not even thinking about how much better it could be because I am blessed and thankful for what I have now. I don't need someone in my life to make me happy, I want someone in my life to share my joy with. And if I'm lucky, that person will stick around if the bad times start to out weigh the good. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : leaving cleveland 13 Posted Date: : Sep 5, 2009 11:36 PM stayed sober for my last night in town. Spent the day with my family just catching up and talking like we always do. I promise you, my family is olympic level dysfunctional but god I love all of them. It was a really nice night, despite our best efforts. This has probably been the best night I've had since I got back to the states. I went to Megan and Megans house afterwards and said good bye to all my friends. I didn't drink anything there either. I honestly don't remember the last time I stayed sober by choice when out with my friends. I don't even want to talk about friday night. I blacked out at like 1230 and don't remember ANYTHING at all after that. I have been told that I made some bad choices that night. But I did somehow get free air show tickets from some pilot dude I talked to. The idea of having been completely blacked out for more than 2 hours scares the shit out of me. I do not ever want to do that again. I had 10x more fun tonight than I did friday and actually remember all of it. I'm actually looking forward to visiting again for christmas. Hell, I almost want to move back to cleveland. Almost. Well, if Cassie wants to get married than I'm totally coming back. :) [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : My anchor.. Posted Date: : Aug 29, 2009 10:30 PM I took this stupid quiz on some gay website. Turns out this is exactly what I wanted, just didn't know exactly how to word it. An anchor is well-poised to meet the hidden or unspoken needs you might actually be trying to fill in a search for a relationship. An anchor is... Someone who's generally calm and low maintenance, but who can also show spontaneity and go on the occasional adventure when circumstances permit. Someone who's not overly rigid in what she wants from life personally or professionally, but rather is basically content and can go with the flow when needed. Someone who's grounded and has a strong sense of identity, purpose and independence. Someone who doesn't want or need to rely on you for economic security but rather comes to the relationship with existing resources. Someone who's ready and able to give you freedom and support for your personal or professional goals. Someone who demands respect and makes a good impression on others. Someone who cares a lot about looking good, and who'll use her physical and sexual assets to the fullest for your enjoyment and who can give you attractive, healthy children Someone who's the envy of others and who'll garner approval from your friends and family, as well make you feel sexier and more attractive when you're together. Intelligence, confidence, goals... That's sexy . I heard a metaphor about women being like apples once. Some guys are content to pick up the rotten ones that fall off the trees on to the ground. That used to be me. The best ones, though, are at the top of that tree and are the hardest to reach. I look forward to making that climb. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : on leave Posted Date: : Aug 29, 2009 3:11 PM I love my friends, I love my family. But, This feels more like a good bye than a reunion. I have no interest in coming back to or staying in Ohio after next year. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : paraphrased from CT3 Posted Date: : Aug 24, 2009 8:44 PM Here is the unlocked version of the blog I just posted last night: God may or may not be trying to get back into my life, and I'm open to suggestions. I know I can't count on a relationship to complete me or bring meaning to my life, but I'd like to start one that has long term potential and that would be more fulfilling than random flings and hook ups. I'd like to find someone that challenges me to do more and that really leaves an impression on me. I'm doing my best to not allow myself to settle for whatever comes along. I don't want to spend my life in an alcoholic haze. I don't want to fall back on old habits. I want to move on from my past and start a few new chapters. I know, I sound like a 14 year old girl about to start high school, but I'm old now and I really should start making changes to my habits. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : catchy title 3 Posted Date: : Aug 23, 2009 10:45 PM When you know there is something missing in your life you start looking for it. You can never be sure where you'll find it but you know you'll know when you do. My sister thinks its Jesus trying to come back into my life. I have no idea about that. I did go to a church service today and it was pretty interesting. The church itself seems pretty progressive and forward thinking. I saw how happy those people looked singing their songs and what not, but I don't know. At this point in my life I don't know if adopting an imaginary friend is what I need to do. I think I'm looking for some sort of meaningful relationship, which sounds retarded if you know me at all. I just want to start a new chapter and be in the best possible position when I get out next year. If there is anything I do know, its that I can't try to force it and if it just isn't there, it's not going to magically show up. These next few weeks, I'm gonna try to close a few old chapters in my life. I saw an old friend about a week ago in California and I was amazed at how little I had in common with her anymore. We had lost touch for a while and since she moved out west decided to hang out like old times once I got back. We talked and caught up and went to a movie and I realized I wasn't interested in keeping the friendship alive. I had moved on, and it felt like progress. I spent a few weeks before I got back talking to a nice girl from orange county. It seemed like their was a lot of chemistry between us and that we would get along just fine. Well, without sounding like a tool, there just wasn't any real spark when we hung out. We spent most of a weekend hanging out and the next day I called to tell her that I just wanted to be friends. Progress, right? I just need to keep myself from trying to force it to work and from settling for something that I know isn't what I'm looking for. My eyes have never been this open, and its hard but I'm really looking forward to this journey. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : catchy title 2 Posted Date: : Aug 1, 2009 6:43 PM I should be back in the U.S. on august 11th. That should kick off 4-5 days off to do whatever I want. I got my car waiting for me and plenty of cash in the bank. It should make for a good time. It's not like last year when I got back and all I wanted to do was get drunk and party. Don't get me wrong, those two things are very high on my to do list. I think I might moderate it a little better this time. This deployment wasn't very stressful at all. In fact, it was one of the most chill deployments I have done yet. We lost a few guys, mainly to accidents. A couple people I know got hurt, but only one was really "combat" related. The dumb ass got shot while smoking a cigarette when he shouldnt really have been. Not only that, he was shot in the shoulder, not life threatening. To top it all off, he got flown to germany were president mother fuckin obama gave him a purple heart. Of all the people for that to happen to, this guy was by far the last one on the list. Other than that, seriously, nothing scary or dangerous happend. I was doing "intel" for the company for the first 4-5 months we were anyway. Mostly sitting at a computer making maps and tracking attacks in our AO. Giving briefs of enemy activity and looking for trends and shit like that. It sounded really cool when I first heard about it, but of course it turned out to be pretty lame. We didn't have the resources to do really cool shit and everyone kept asking us for stupid shit. By the end of it all, we were a glorified Kinkos. It sucked ass. The only cool thing I got to do was ID a dead bodie of some jack ass that attacked the Iraqi police. Scanning the iris of a dead guy may seem creepy or gross to some people, but it seemed like some real CSI shit to me. That was honestly the highlight of the deployment for me. I spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing my life. I'm not sure if I already posted about this, but I basically rationalized everything I was doing with my life and what I want to do with my future. I won't go into the details because they are dumb and boring, but I feel like I had a lot of personal emotional growth. I'm really looking forward to getting back and pursueing my goals. I want to meet new people and start new relationships, maybe even serious ones. I haven't been in a real relationship in a few years and I think I'm going to start shopping around for chicks that I didn't meet while drinking at a bar or club. I also want to keep taking college classes online, to knock out all the retarded freshman classes that I hated taking when I was out. I have no idea what is in store for me for the next 16 months. I know I will have a job, and I know I'm going to be in california. What I don't know is what I will be doing in the marine corps once we get back. I could be back in the mortars platoon again, going to the field every other week, blowing up fake enemy targets and going deaf. I could get sent out to some other job, since I'm 99% not deploying again. It should be interesting to see. Until then, I'm stuck in iraq for another few days, then going to kuwait for a few days and then catching a plane ride to california. After a week or so back there, I'm visiting my sister in texas and then the rest of my family in cleveland. And then? Well I guess I will have to wait and see. Life is all about the journey, and so far mine has been pretty awesome. Inspite of everything, I wouldn't change a thing. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : catchy title 1 Posted Date: : Jul 19, 2009 8:14 AM I'm trying to decide if I should stay in a few more years or if I should GTFO. I want out more than anything else right now because I hate being deployed and I'm always fucking bored. Being bored is the worst thing on earth in my opinion. So why should I even consider staying in? Glad you asked. 1. Steady pay for the next 3-5 years. 2. Going overseas on MSG duty would be totally ballin 3. I can finish my degree online or at least most of it 4. Honestly, I'm too old to live and interact with college kids, they would just piss me off 5. Steady income = ballin ass studio 6. MSG = plenty of time to work on my side projects 7. MSG also = tons of hot ass foreign chicks Beside pursuing my own interest, getting a degree and being able to grow my hair out, I don't have a lot to look forward to when I get out. I have to find a place to live, get a job, sign up for classes, and basically start over with not a whole lot in savings. I can't even decide where I want to live. I know where I think I want to live and where I don't want to live, but starting with nothing on my own is almost scarier than staying in. I like identifing as a marine and getting hand shakes and thank yous from random people and shit like that. But I hate the actual execution of being a marine. The day to day faggotry and bullshit, the unquestioned obedience to retarded orders and the "dick up the ass" mentality of the people in charge. Its not what I want to do with my life, and thats not who I want to be. So I guess I have to decide which is riskier; Wasting more of my life in the marines accomplishing what I consider to be nothing while forsaking personal relationships but accumulating income, or chance failing at living life my own way and end up homeless and broke some place far from home but at least trying to do something different. At this stage in the game, getting out is a bigger risk than staying in. I'm pretty sure the reason I signed up in the first place was to avoid being in situations like that, where taking the easy or safe route was the best answer. Slay fuckin dragons. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : deployment is almost over Posted Date: : Jul 16, 2009 9:56 PM I really hate myspace. It is completely gay compared to facebook. All hail facebook, god of the internets. Looking forward to getting back to the states. I go concert tickets for halloween in LA which is going to be fucking epic. deadmaus and who the fuck ever else is playing so its gonna be ballin. Free drinks all night with VIP tickets. I look forward to traveling during the leave block and seeing some old friends and family. I want to see my little brothers new (used) car and I know my mom is dying to see me. I worry about her sometimes because she just isn't well. I look forward to drinking some god damn beer. I'm gonna miss the combat pay. $1400 every 2 weeks. I'm not gonna miss all that debt I paid off. Wish I saved a little more, but I got a ballin'ass live music set up at a great price, less than $3000. I'm gonna try not to blow all my money on stupid shit when I get back. Drinks don't count as stupid. I've noticed that I always seem to have thing for chicks named emily. It's likely just the name, but I know some hot emilys. Emm fields doesnt count. :) [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : the news Posted Date: : Jul 13, 2009 3:12 AM I was reading through CNN.com today and a lot of what I read troubles me. 1.My generation (20-somethings) feel entitled to (every)things 2. Fat people feel better when you trick them into thinking they aren't fat 3. Racism is profitable if you're anti-racism group 4. Iran is about to pop off, same with N. Korea 5. Everyone needs/craves/wants attention, Latonya jackson (who?) has opinions and everyone cares for exactly the next 9 minutes. No one has asked me, and blog averages about 3 views per post, but in all honesty: 1. My generation has serious self-importance issues, all those participation trophies they gave out to everyone who showed up weren't as harmless as we thought. 2. Fat people should fucking die. 3. If the NAACP admitted that racism is not as widespread as they pretend it is, they would stop getting donations and cease to exist. 4. I hope Iran throws out Ahkmumedijhad (or whatever the fuck his name is) on their own and we don't have to get involved. We aren't the fucking world police. And Kim Jong Il just wants to take the world with him when he dies. I got $10 that says he doesn't have nuclear ICBM. 5. Michael Jackson dying is the best thing to ever happen to the Jacksons. Fucking fucks. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : just thoughts Posted Date: : Jul 8, 2009 3:35 AM I started reading someones blog and it makes me want to keep one up. I want to take videos and post them on the internet, most likely facebook, just for the hell of it. I think it will make me look cool. Facebook is the lone source of my validation these days. If you write on my wall, you make me feel so special like a princess at the prom. How faggy is that? I would go gay for dougie howser aka barney on how i met your mother. yeah, thats kinda weird. Blogs are a chronical of thoughts, 10 years from now I can look back and see what stupid ideas i had. If you want her to like you, tease her like you're in fifth grade. Don't look needy, don't look weak. She doesn't want a little bitch. I want to make wild and crazy declarations of affection, just to see if they reciprocate it. As strong as i consider myself to be emotionally, being alone for this long can get to anyone. I go to the gym just so that when she sees me, for a second, she says to herself "damn." The next year is a complete mystery to me. I'm going to mortars leaders course and i want to kick its ass. then, bide my time and take classes. setting yourself up for success is much more difficult when the marine corps gets involved. I look to the future so much that i don't enjoy today. theres nothing to enjoy over here anyway. It makes me long for the past, because i know what i had and it makes me feel safe. I don't know if i want to pursue this girl. Shes from the past and nothing has happend between us. ever. yet. I think i might be holding myself back just by thinking about her. she is impossible at this point. I think thats why i like her. I can think of 3 chicks i could nail the second i get home. Like, with no effort what so ever. its quick and easy. I'm sick of those chicks. I'm finally starting to respect myself. Fuck you dad (LOL) I spent most of that last 4 months psycho-analysing the way I think about everything. I mean everything. I'm pretty sure I can rationalize my way out of depression or any other mood disorder I have. I also think I'm finally starting to understand me. I can't see any reason to get married, ever. It just isn't something I'm interested in. I need to find a woman that wants to have kids but doesn't need a ring and a dress. Just be together, marriage is a joke. I intend to update this blog as much as possible. So I will see you again next year. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : 25th annual state of the awesome address Posted Date: : Aug 9, 2008 6:25 PM Next week, I will be a quarter-century old. Holy shit! The most prevelent thing in my life right now is work. I've spent the majority of the last 7 years playing marine and living that life style. The longer I stay, the less I want to be there. My current goal, in a long line of previous ridiculious goals, is to produce and record music. I either want to be an engineer at a radio station or open my own studio some day. I used to want to be a DJ, movie writer, music video director, lawyer, doctor, fire fighter, paramedic or tank driver. Perhaps my line of work is preventing me from achieveing and persuing these goals. No shit. I've been terminally single for the last few months, and I'm mostly cool with that. I've dated around a bit and met some cool girls but nothing ever seems to stick. I might be too picky, or the girls I meet really are all insane. That one is still up in the air. Unforutnately, again, everything comes back to the ridiculous amount of time I spend at work and my complete lack of a life and free time. On this anniversery of the day awesomeness began, I declare that things could be worse and they could be better. I'm earning a living in southern california and occasionally get to do what I actually want. I'm still doing this school thing, which is a giant pain in my ass, but what the hell? Eventually I will look back on this, kick myself in the balls and say, "man, what was I thinking? I'm glad that shit is in the past." To all my friends around the world, I miss those of you I haven't seen in a while and hope the best to all. Happy awesome day to you and yours, but mostly me. I love all of you, Mikey [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : ask me to read this Posted Date: : Jul 6, 2008 6:04 AM I have realized that I am incapable of caring about anyone but myself. I don't trust anyone I meet anymore. I savagely go after what I want and often get it by lying and saying what they want to hear. I'll never call you again. I'm trying to replace love with meaningless sex. I can go from cockiest guy in the world to suicidal depressed with a single text message. I constantly need validation from friends and strangers. I fear that I might someday become a serial killer, seriously. I know I need to talk to a professional for help, and I'm not afraid to do that. I just don't have the time or resources because of work. I want to die honorably in combat or maybe trying to help someone. I am absolutely petrified and sometimes lose sleep over my own mortality. I just want someone to listen to me, but I can't open up even when I try. I can never find the right words. The only thing I don't like about being alone is that no one is there to pay attention to me. And it gets boring. I hide behind my internet profiles because I am so afraid of rejection in person. In fact, the last 4 girls I've slept with were all from the internet. I really want to meet a nice girl in a bookstore. I hate meeting girls at bars and using the internet so much makes me feel like a creeper. My walls have been fortified by years of bitterness and being an asshole to people. I don't know what else to say. Help me. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : sick. Posted Date: : Apr 21, 2008 6:16 PM I'm not even back in california yet and I'm already depressed. I don't want to go back. I want to stay in cleveland. I want to be with my family and friends back home. I want to do something new with my life. I want to get out of the marines as quickly as possible. I want to do something else. I don't want to be a marine anymore. Almost 6 years active duty. That's more than my fair share. Fuck, its more than your share too. All of you, well, most of you. I hate it so much I actually cried. I need a way out. I need a change. I need to do something different with my life. The gamble is too great. The odds, to steep. I don't want this to be all I do with my life. Sometimes I think the only way to die is with honor serving your country. But in some ways in mind that is just giving up. I'm so afraid of the future that I put myself in harms way in hopes of bringing glory to myself thru death in battle. That just isn't what I want anymore. I don't want to stand at attention and snap off salutes and be the very best there is anymore. I'm sick of it. I wasn't cut out for the grunts, well, maybe I was, but I haven't proven myself yet. Even with a deployment under my belt. I don't know. I'm giving very serious consideration to going UA for 30 days and getting a lawyer. It might take 6 months but I'd be done with it at least and free. I need something new. I want cleveland. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Lost. Posted Date: : Apr 7, 2008 3:31 AM I just spent the entire night getting current on the 4th season instead of sleeping. All I can say about that show is what the everloving fuck is going on? I love this shit. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Later, Cleveland Posted Date: : Feb 9, 2007 12:29 AM So this is it. I'm finally getting out of this hell hole known as clevleland ohio. Land of no good jobs. Fuck it. I will miss the following things: Some of my best friends: Bob, jessica, adam, mary, my frat brothers. You guys have no idea how much you mean to me. You made this last year tollerable. My freedom: I have been able to do pretty much whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. I suppose when I actually get to cali I will have more shit to do but in all honesty I don't think a whole lot will change. Goals: Survive grunt life. Prove to myself what I am made of. Eventually I will be back. The plan for now is to move out to Cali, focus on training and learning my job plus getting back into better shape. I assume I will be deploying to Iraq later this year, most likely around august or september. Thats only a best guess though. Who knows. By the time I get back to Cleveland: You bitches better be ready. I'm gonna have a lot of stress to work off. My family. You know who you are. My sibs, my parents, my cousins. A few of my aunts and uncles. The ones I actually give a shit about. Everything I do, I do to make you guys proud. You mean more to me then you will ever know. Fuck the following people, to be later revised. People that never gave me a chance. People that didn't bother to get to know me. People I didn't bother to get to know. Everyone who ever doubted or judged me. People I faked nice for. Pretty much everyone outside of my best friends. You know who you are. (Jessica, Adam, Bob, Mary, Kirsten, Dan, Eric, Old guy marine, Square Casanovas, Just about everyone in delta sig, the few awesome Delta Omega chicks, my little sibs and my big sister, Kevin, Kelly and all my cousins on my moms side that I know so well, my aunt collen and uncle don, the Okinawa crew, the crew of two-six meu I'm still tight with, Peabodies crew that have been cool to me, the tsl board kids I have met, anyone who has ever inspired me to make myself better. My immediate family forever.) If I missed you, I'm sorry. But in all reality, you should know by now if I actually like you. I fucking love each and every last one of you. For reals. Michael Jay "busdriver" Mrowca [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : California Countdown Posted Date: : Jan 23, 2007 12:47 PM Word from the top finally came through: On February 19th, 2007, I will report for duty to 1st battalion, 7th Marines, 1st Marine Division at the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center, 29 Palms, California. My best guess is that I will be weapons company, 81's platoon. No idea when they are shipping off to Iraq, however they returned from Iraq last September so I would guess sometime before or around this next September. This means I will be leaving Cleveland around the 10th of February to make my cross country trip to California. The plan is to take about 4 days driving cross country to see some old friends and this great country I'm serving. The reason I am leaving so soon is so that I can get established in the area and have plenty of time to take care of any last minute issues that may pop up. I am leaving indefinitely. I don't know when or if I will return to Cleveland. Granted, I will be back to visit from time to time, but not on any long term basis. I have no set plans for any kind of going away party or any shit like that. In all honesty, it will probably be fairly private with some of my closest friends. I hate long good byes, so please don't remind me every time you see me for the next 3 weeks how much you will miss me when I do finally leave. So give me a call if you want to get a drink some time. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : people are stupid Posted Date: : Dec 11, 2006 6:36 AM I really don't like most people. My contempt for ignorance and vapidness almost always outweighs my desire to meet new and interesting people. I judge people solely on their appearance. I think I'm actually pretty good at it. So far, none of my friends are morons. There isn't a politically correct bone in my body. Faggot. I really hate fat people. Like, a lot. And hippies. And campus liberals. And vegetarians. And animal rights activist. And environmentalist. Seriously, spend your time on a cause that might some day change. Like women's suffrage. I think most people are racist, and they spend most of their time hiding and denying it. I don't hate any one group of people for being from a given place or of a certain skin color. I hate groups of people for being ignorant and annoying. Women shouldn't drive. Ever. Stereotypes and generalizations are generally true. Otherwise they wouldn't be stereotypes. This is where I would usually try to sell myself as a somewhat descent person. Fuck that shit, I probably don't like you anyway. You'll know if you're my friend. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : I need a fucking hobby Posted Date: : Nov 13, 2006 4:21 AM I spend entirely too much time being bored, having nothing to do and pretty much wasting my days away. I need to start running again, because it has been a while and if I want to survive another enlistment, I need to get back on that. I need to stop smoking. I am broke and don't have any cigarettes at the moment and it is really starting to piss me off. I just want one more cigarette and I will be ok. At this rate, I will be smoking until im 90. I need to stop meeting random people from myspace because most of them are too needy or fucking insain. Seriously. I need to start saving my money so that I don't end up broke like this all the time. I need to come up with a better plan because the more I think about it, the less I really want to re-enlist. I need to stop thinking so much because as soon as I change my mind about re-enlisting I will immediately start wanting to re-enlist again. I need to stop staying up all fucking night. Seriously, going to bed at 10am is probably not a good idea. I need to stop sleeping so much. Seriously, sleeping in until 5pm is probably not a good idea. I need to start limiting my computer use. Myspace is worse then crack and I could tell you somethings you wouldn't believe about crack. I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I haven't had any motivation to do anything lately. It is getting old. I need to stop complaining about stupid shit. Posting this blog has done absolutely nothing to better myself, but at least you all will know how much of a moron I am. I need to edit my friends list. I don't really know 130 people, and if you are one of those people I dont know, or a weirdo, say goodbye to hollywood. But seriously, I need a cigarette. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : you ever notice? Posted Date: : Nov 3, 2006 7:15 AM As soon as you light a cigarette, whatever it was you were waiting for arrives. It's fucking nature. As soon as you give up, rip up your raffle ticket and walk to your car you hear your name being called on the loud speaker to claim your prize. And sure, it's some fucking ace of base CD that no one really wants but its the fact that out of the luck of the draw, it became yours. Too bad you tossed your ticket. Every few months I like to pick up a few instant lottery tickets. I get the two and five dollar variety most of the time, because they potentially pay better. I have never lost money on these tickets. Why? Because I only go for it once in a while. You wait until the time feels right and then blam-o! Two bucks becomes 10 bucks and that extra 12 pack of natty light doesn't sound like such a bad idea. You know, besides the fact that its natty light. For oh so long I have been promising people that I will be going back to the Marines, its just a matter of time, blah blah fucking blah. Well, I am glad to report that absolutely nothing new has happened in the waiting game. No news has come back yet and I still have no information of when and where or even if it is going to happen at all. All I know is that it will involve a phone call, a hair cut, some ironing, and putting my hand in the air. I hate not knowing whats going on. I hate waiting on other people. I am definitely of the "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself" school. I don't trust people. This isn't some boo-hoo, emo, right-a-song-about-it bullshit. I just think you'll fuck it up. And if something that involves me is going to get fucked up, I want to be the one to do it. That way there is no one else to blame, and I can invent more interesting ways of getting my way. The whole point of this blog entry? I'm gonna go have a cigarette. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : fuck yous Posted Date: : Oct 30, 2006 4:43 PM Sometimes I read your profile and it makes me want to kill myself. No one wants to see someone they loved in love and happy with someone else. I can't stand another day in this house. My mother is dead to me, she died a year ago. she just won't stop breathing. Or complaining. If i won the lottery, I would pay back the people who have helped me and disappear. I really want to win the lottery. Shit, 50 grand would do the trick. I have a carefree attitude most of the time, but in all honesty, I am scared shit less of the future. I sort of hope I die in Iraq. That way, enough people will be tricked into thinking I was a good person. I always talk about how I hate emo kids, but in all honesty, I'm about as emo as they get. I'm tired of disappointing myself. I'm tired of being scared. I have almost no self confidence, but somehow manage to pretend to be cocky infront of most people. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : im betting im not Posted Date: : Oct 29, 2006 11:17 PM I sometimes spend a lot of time thinking about my future. Where am I going to end up? What am I going to do with my life? Will I ever pay off my god damn car? I spent some time earlier browsing through random profiles, just having a good time seeing who is out there. It is kind of funny when I run into people I knew in a past life, and see what it is that they are doing now. I don't know. In the year that I have been free of military restrictions, I have grown disgusted with my slothfull and wastefull ways. But then I realize some of these kids I went to high school or whatever with have been doing that for 5 years now. A while ago, a buddy of mine and I ran into some douche bag at a bar. It was near closing time and and almost completely empty and this one guy recognized me and called me over. I talked to him for about 2 minutes, which was enough time for him to drunkenly tell me how he is going no where in life. As we left the bar that night, my friend and I, I told him that there was no way I wanted to end up like that. I pretty much made up my mind to go college at that point. College was a joke. I didn't have time for it because I needed to work so many hours to pay off my impressive debt. I stuck it out for a semester, joined the Delta Sigs, and then quit to work full time. I have had 6 jobs in the last year. None of them interested me enough to stick around. I hated all of them. Long story short, I'm about 2 months away from being "that guy". So, for now, I have to start working towards a future for myself. Or at least earn enough to get out of debt. But then what? Who knows. While I was browsing random profiles, I came across an atractive young lady who had recently graduated law school and within the last week or so passed the Bar exam. I believe she is 25 years old. While I have no doubt that she has had some fun going to college for however long that took and can look forward to what will hopfully become a long, rewarding, career in law or politics, I can't help but feel a little sorry for her. She has decided on and set a course for herself, which is admirable, but who wants to grow up that fast? Granted, I don't have a law degree, but she doesn't really have a future either. Just a degree, a job and, like the rest of us, and un-escapable death. All I know is that I did not go to law school and pass the bar by the time I was 24 like she did, and that makes life a little sweeter. My focus has always been that shit will figuer itself out. And right now, I'm just waiting for a few knots to untangle themselves. While that girls worries about school and a future are over, I never had any in the first place. I think that means I won. It's all about the journey. Keep as many paths open as possible. [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Fight Posted Date: : Oct 23, 2006 1:12 AM I have a lot of people in my life whose opinion I trust. OK, maybe not a lot, but a select few. Probably a total of 5. Granted, I tend to ask for advice a lot. I suppose I have a hard time making decisions for myself. Well, that's not entirely true. I think it is a need for validation and approval. I am, after all, a Leo . Fucking august. I have been toying quite heavily with the decision of re-enlistment. If you see me even semi-regularly, you probably already know this. Shit, I have been talking about it almost since I got out. The key problem is I can't find a job that I both like and pays the bills. Fucking credit cards. The marine corps is a great gig. How many of you have heard me say that before? I see a lot of hands. Free medical, dental, housing, food, allowances for uniforms, extra pay for traveling around the world, being in combat zones and crossing certain imaginary lines in the middle of the ocean. The only thing they ask of you is to spend months on end thousands of miles away, shooting at an enemy you can't see to protect people that either don't like you or are too terrified to admit to it. Or, you can do what I did for most of my first four years and see the world (Europe, Africa, Asia, a little middle east), get fat sitting in an office and put up with wannabe politicians bullshit. Wake up every day at 5am and go for a run before you get your living area inspected for cleanliness by the most anal mother fuckers on the planet. Did you know that if you have dust anywhere in your room, or in more then 3 places, you FAIL an inspection? I'm really not bitching about that because it is to be expected. The marine corps sets a higher standard, it just happens to be inconvenient most of the time. I have partied with so many great people. I have gotten drunk in 10 countries. I have had experiences that I will never forget for the rest of my life. I have done more before I turned 23 then a lot of people ever will. Does that make me better then these people? Yes. I took the time out of my life and served my country with honor for 4 years. I got the scars to prove it. So why go back if I already got the t-shirt? Well, it used to be that I had unfinished business. That was the main reason. I always wanted to drive a tank and blow shit up. I still want to. I mean, shit, TANKS! How cool is that? Now I'm starting to suspect its because I can't hold down a real job for more then a few months at a time. I'm not a drunk, a junkie or really all that lazy. I mean, I'm fucking lazy, but that's not all there is to it. I hate working shit jobs. They aren't exciting, fun, or interesting. I always find myself working with a bunch of faggot slobs that are fat and rape antelope and other stupid faggot shit. I'm not interested in meeting these people or being friends with them. I don't even really try. I have plenty of friends. These frat boys I hang out with, the Delta Sigs. Fucking awesome people. I really don't want to just up and leave them. Seriously, those house parties fucking rule. I'd do anything for those mother fuckers because they are amazing, genuinely good people. My family still sort of needs me. Simply stated, things aren't the way they used to and I play a pretty big roll in the peace keeping efforts. The people I have meet this year and have my phone number. My Kennel worth drinking buddies. There are a lot of reasons to stick around a while longer. It will come down to a few things in the end. I need to get the job I want (tanks, LAVs or TOWs), and I want to be stationed in Cali. If I'm going to give the Marines another 4 years of my life, then god damn it, they better give me what I want. Another. Four. YEARS. Fuck. Everyone that tells me to go for it and its only four years are either in the marines or joining. The only problem is they haven't done any real active duty service time in the fleet. My old marine buddies think I'm crazy. They understand what its like. They have been there, with me, sweating like a fucking pig or freezing their asses off doing some bullshit. Like fucking guard shifts for 8 hours at a time walking around aimlessly with unloaded guns in Albania. I'm out, I served, I did my time, but if I can't get a good job around here that pays the bills and then some, I pretty much won't have a choice. I would be proud to serve again, and if asked to, if they needed me, I would go back in a heartbeat. The idea of giving up on civilian life, on Cleveland, is the hardest part. Either way, my paper work is already submitted. It's only a matter of time before I get my orders. Hopefully early 2007. I can still refuse, but at this point, in my situation, why would I want to? [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Death before Dishonor, loyalty to those worthy Posted Date: : Oct 20, 2006 10:56 PM I can't think of a single song the better defines my life so far. BOUNCING SOULS "True Believers" I've met some people along the way, Some of them split some of them stay, Some of them walk some walk on by, I've got a few friends I'll love till I die From all of these people I try to learn, Some of them shine some of them burn, Some of them rise some of them fall, For good or bad I've known them all We live our life in our own way, Never really listened to what they say, The kind of faith that doesn't fade away We are the true believers We are the true believers Well you can fight or you can run, Hide under a rock till the war is won, Play it safe and don't make a sound, But not us we won't back down True believers all the way, You and I... We live our life in our own way, Never really listened to what they say, The kind of faith that doesn't fade away We are the true believers We are the true believers True believers [Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : war, oil, politics and morons Posted Date: : Oct 17, 2006 6:25 AM I have now seen three reports claiming that polls indicate that the ass-feeding American public, which is apparently full of doctors and scientist, think that president bush pushed the magic low gas price button in his secret lair under the white house so that more republicans will get in office. at first i thought, wow, that is so true bush is Hitler and the holocaust never actually happened. then, i decided to educate myself on the issue. this is what i found out: 1. bush has no fucking power over gas prices, OPEC does. --OPEC is an organization of the major oil producing countries who set the price per barrel of oil. Things like demand determine how much they produce which allows them to set supply and completely over-charge the shit out of people. 2. summer driving and hurricane season are over, less demand, less need to stockpile in case of disaster. 3. the fucking seventh circle of hell opened up and bush's powers have increased!!! he doesn't need a button!!! In all seriousness, I assume that some tree hugging faggot, with his microphone and agenda, walked up to as many young women, fat people and minorities as possible and asked "do you think bush is lowering gas prices to influence the November elections?" And I'm sure that on the spot, and at that moment, that was the first time the thought crossed their mind. and sure, it does seem moderately reasonable the first time you hear it, but like so many other situations, if you take that extra 3 seconds to think about it, you might not look like such a dumb ass. Also, I keep seeing stories about record highs in DOW Jones and how the economy is really on the up-and-up. Too bad there isn't a democrat in office so we can give him the credit for fixing what bu$h OBVIOUSLY ruined. People keep telling me that i shouldn't re-enlist, that we should get out of Iraq. We should get out of Iraq? OK, then what? what military posture will we take to prevent more airplanes from destroying more sky scrappers? obviously we failed in Iraq so maybe we can just get the UN to write sanctions on al qadea and maybe they will have time to read it while they blow up some more shit. if we aren't on the offensive, then we are on the defense and that means they are disrupting your morning latte with 10,000 pounds of jet fuel. then who will pay for Timmy to go to Princeton? they say al qadeas numbers are increasing. no shit, you mean pissed off, poor, uneducated Arabs want to kill us? well, they aren't all princes in palaces, are they? too bad their top leadership keeps getting blown up. no one there to really organize a major attack. the only ones left to worry about are the ones that are already in place, everyone else is just throwing stones at a tank. and hell, if anything, iraq has caused a mass migration of these jihad joeys to Iraq, putting them all in one place. hell, that sort of simplifies the problem, doesn't it? I also read some people think this is another crusades. what the fuck? iraq is a brilliant strategic point in the middle east to further mount future offensives to take out bigger threats. "but mike, we should give peace a chance!" what the fuck has peace ever solved? seriously, people say war solves nothing, what does peace solve? the act of being peaceful, or doing nothing. do you think iran and north korea will be so inspired by our withdrawal from a combat zone that they will just start hugging each other and jacking off in the flowers? they hate us, they want us dead. if we don't fuck them up you can be damn sure they will fuck us up. you people realize terrorism has been an issue for more than 30 years right? president bush didn't manufacture these organizations to scare you. the only reason they are on the news constantly is because we are finally trying to do something about them. its gonna be a long war, they roll pretty fucking deep. but in the end, its gonna be a lot harder for them to hurt people around the world. I fucking hate politicians, i hope they all get assassinated. i cant find a descent job and i live in the poorest city in the united states. i think bush is a brilliant criminal, but he will never get caught. which kind of makes it even better. please comment, tell me how stupid and ignorant i am, make a thoughtful rebuttal, change my mind. I'm completely open to suggestions. Monday, June 26, 2006 A brief history of Mike... Let's see, I'm 22 and I'm from Cleveland Ohio. If you haven't figured that out yet then you're pretty fucking retarded. I don't think I'm better than everyone, I just think a lot of people are really stupid. High school is a pretty distant memory. Yeah, I was a big loser. Not a lot has changed. My accomplishments include being a totally awesome U.S. Marine for 4 years. I have been to 12 countries and most of them sucked except Spain and Italy. I lived in Okinawa for a year which I believe gives me the right to hate Asian people. I may re-enlist and get some more because kicking ass is pretty fun. I attended some classes at Cleveland State University and joined Delta Sigma Phi fraternity. These are some of the best civilians I have ever met. They don't suck. I am currently working at an Investment company. Should my plans to re-up fail I will eventually work my way to the top and take over the company. Why? Because I have an aggressive nature and strive to be the best at what I do. I won't settle. I am honest, hard working, stand up individual who happens to enjoy large quantities of beer. What better way to relax? I'm into mostly rock, punk and indie, a little metal and some hard core when the mood is right. Shows are pretty fun. I don't need or want a girlfriend. If anyone worthwhile comes along, we'll see how she holds out. I'm more interested in a worthy adversary. Someone that will not only put up with my shit, but give it right back. Someone with thick skin that doesn't get offended by dumb shit. Someone I can argue with and still get along with. Up to the challenge? Good luck. My goals include becoming a music video director, bar owner, or a porn star. I'm slowly getting my college education in between work and, well, work. I love my friends and anyone of them can tell you I'm loyal to a fault. I don't have a huge crew, but the ones I got are pretty god damn sweet. That's about it. :) Saturday, June 10, 2006 I might just re-enlist, if... I wish this was a fun filled forward, unfortuately I'm serious. All of this will commence in mid september, so you have until then to talk me out of it. 1. Tanks - The only job I want to do is drive fucking tanks. If I get offered AAV's or anything gay like that, no fucking thank you, I'll continue to be a civilian. 2. Keep rank - As long as the dont try to demote my ass because getting uniforms altered in cleveland ohio is probably about fucking impossible. 3. California - I did my time at Lejeune. Hell, I had a great time at lejeune and I wouldn't really mind going back. But i was there for 2 years. I hate the south. I hate rednecks. I'd rather be by Vegas and LA and all that shit. 4. NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK TO OKINAWA - This is important. I had a great time over there, in spite of everything, and I made some really awesome friends. I just hate the mentality they have there. It is fucking stupid. Fuck curfews, not driving, no personal space, bullshit and everything that thrives in oki. It is the worst the marine corps has to offer. They do shit ass backwards compared to 2 mef and lejeune in general. i dont know, maybe it was just the battalion, or group, but that place can fuck right the hell off. plus i fucking hate japanese people. 5. Iraq - As fucking stupid as this sounds, I want to go back. Why? Well, in a tank, my day to day job will be blowing shit up. Also, I could use the money as I am extremely broke right now. I would get myself out of debt and hopefully save a little something something. That is pretty much it. I know a lot of you are thinking I am crazy but at the same time, a lot of you are still in or never served. As insain as this sounds, I miss some aspects of the marines. It really is a good gig. And I dont really have a whole lot going for me in cleveland. I love my friends here and everything but I have unfinished business. I'm really not trying to settle down just yet anyway, I am only 22.
