By jay wa — Written on Sep 18, 2009
1. Take action!
“I know that he knows that I like him, but I don’t know if he likes me.”
Even the most convoluted situations can be simplified by taking action, so why not ask him if he likes you? Society has fabricated this idea into our minds: Men are supposed to ask the first question; buy the first drink; set the first date; and of course, initiate that first perfect kiss. You want your relationship to begin like a fairytale—we get it.
Every sweetheart deserves a romantic and caring partner. You work hard all week long, doing whatever it is you love, and at times, hate. All you desire is someone to rejoice in your happiness, and be empathetic to your frustrations—we understand.
But be careful not to make false assumptions that will unnecessarily hinder your relationship—like the one aforementioned—that men are supposed to make all the moves. Remember, there is a huge discrepancy between going after what you want and being complacent with what’s given to you. Sitting around waiting for men to do all the work is a mistake because you hold back on a large selection of guys that could be right for you; relationships that you may never encounter if you don’t make the move.
So at last, we reveal obvious hints that will help you solve the mysteries to the romantic crossword. To the strong and independent women of America, this one is for you.
2. Ignore that which is ignorable
“I met him at a bar, so he must be a loser.”
A lot of women carry a huge burden on their shoulders. They think that if they meet a guy at a bar, he is automatically shady. But this is an erroneous belief. Such a notion of the “perfect time” or “perfect place” does not exist, or if it does, it does so rarely. Meaning, these things are unimportant when it comes to relationships.
It might help to take that weight off your shoulders. It’s getting a bit hot and heavy, and you don’t want to drop the ball with your Great Ace. Let’s think about this one for a moment. Your intention of going out is to spend time with friends and to relieve stress. But the people you meet at your get-away spots are likely quite similar in this regard, and probably looking for the exact same thing—to hang out with their friends, meet some interesting people, and get away from the monotony of life. Remember, these are the places you’re supposed to meet people. It’s why they’re there in the first place!
This does not imply, however, that you should go against your intuitions, or regress in your standards. If you think someone is sketchy because, well, he is sketchy, then maybe time and place do come into the Kodak It is still perfectly normal to keep your guard up. What we’re saying is to keep the big picture in mind. It’s very reasonable for two paths to cross, therefore making an important point to emphasize: don’t be quick to judge someone because you think he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. After all, so were you!
3. Don’t be afraid to be sexy
“…but I want him to like me for me.”
Often times women challenge themselves with unwarranted insecurities about their physical appearance, questioning whether this outfit goes with those shoes and so on and so forth. But making every effort to look perfect is less important than the ability to hold down your swagger—to carry yourself confidently, without the fear of judgment from others. It is what men look for, and they’ll pick you apart in two seconds if you don’t have it. So, don’t be afraid to be sexy!
To those ladies who are ready to load up the verbal handgun— cease fire! Some women like to separate themselves from the concept of sexy because they feel it takes away from the strength of their character. But remember, sexy does not have to be unintelligent, lacking taste, or indicate a social taboo. Consider it a tool, when used appropriately, to help tease and attract your partner. It is the gateway to show the diversity of someone’s personality (and diversity is always a good thing). The idea is to accentuate your physical features that complement the great qualities that make you who you are. Remember, there is nothing shameful about making him desire you, nor by showing him everything you have to offer. In fact, this is a critical and fundamental aspect that shapes and defines any relationship.
4. Make him miss you
“I like him, but I don’t want to be just another one of his girls.”
If he’s everything you ever dreamed of—and more— then he is probably getting attention from other women as well. But this doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel just yet. Some women give up too easily because they rely on the false assumption that he is a player; then they wrongly conclude that he is only after one thing. But looks can be deceiving—don’t sucker yourself into believing something that may not be true. You should already know why you like him; instead, think about the reasons why he should like you. Then turn them around and use them as tools to make him miss you.
One way to make him miss you is by leaving him one of your “prized” possessions that was so conveniently left behind. For example, you go out on a date and you happen to leave your ring in his car. He must therefore call you so you can pick it up. (Or better yet, you call him. This would be one of those great opportunities to take action). Up until that point, his psychological switches are triggered each and every time he comes into contact with the ring, which leaves him no choice but to think of you. A second way to make him miss you is by creating an inside joke. An inside joke not only facilitates a good follow up conversation, but it also allows the two of you to adopt an “us-verse-the-world” mentality.
Basically, you are giving him a sense of who you are by tapping into his psychoanalytical framework, or what Klein calls the “object-relations” theory. This theory generalizes a disposition to human relationships by looking towards people’s interactions with their surroundings. The idea is to have his interactions with objects, places, words, and people, remind him of you; then you become an essential building block to his reality. Think of it analogous to breaking up with someone in reverse. Now you have just identified the reason why it’s so hard to get over people in the first place!
5. Do not be confused by the paradox of confusion
“I like him, but I’m going to ignore him so he thinks of me more.”
Some women think that ignoring a guy will be a cure-all to the relationship paradigm; by ignoring him, you play hard to get, and as a result, he desires you more. This is only halfway true. To clarify this point, let us first rectify a traditional maxim—“we want what we can’t have.” The notion is misleading. It’s not that we want what we can’t have, but rather, we want what we can almost have. As Dan Ariely, behavioral economics professor at Duke University, published in his article, “The reality of the situation is not what would influence your happiness—[if] the reality [were] the same in both scenarios—instead your happiness would be influenced by the ease of imagining another reality.” Meaning, we only desire the things that are conceivably within our reach. And the closer we get to having it—but don’t—will make us want it even more.
This is in essence the paradox of confusion. You do not attract men by flat-out rejecting them, but by confusing them instead. Ignoring text messages and phone calls will not work because it sends the signal that you are not interested at all. The idea is not to ignore him, but to lead him through a string of hoops so that he progressively earns your attention. He then adopts the belief that you are in fact obtainable, but it’s going to take a little more work to get you. And there’s nothing wrong in making him work for it. After all, you’re not that easy!
----------
Conclusion
The underlying premise behind these transitional points is that you like the guy—that is not what’s being questioned. The emphasis is instead focused on “getting what you want,” or progressing to the next level of a relationship by playing the so-called game. These guidelines equip you with the necessary tools to pursue him by displaying your best self, and without the compromise of your integrity.