So You Want To Ask Him Out? Read On

So You Want To Ask Him Out? Read On

Name: bellavita | | Location: Chicago , IL |Question: I'm sure  most of
(single) girls have seen (or read) "He's Just Not That Into You".  I'm wondering
what's your take on that?  I mean, seriously - we (read: women) should not ask a
guy on a date?  Don't get me wrong - I'm all about guy's taking charge and all
-- but sometimes they are (genuinely) shy! What's our "limit" in showing guys
that we're interested in them? (if there's a limit ...) |Age: 35
He's Just Not That Into You, in my opinion, was a great book. The
only problem I had with it didn't really have anything to do with the advice,
but rather how women interpreted it. Sometimes, especially if you keep hitting
the same wall over and over again, it's not that HJNIY. It's that he could have
been had you not blown it. Women used this HJNTIY as a mantra of sorts to place
the blame on the men when some of the blame fit squarely on their own
That being said, in this post-Samantha Jones world of being a single woman,
the thing to remember is this:

We are not men, so stop trying to date like one. You can adapt their
behavior, but understand that you're still a woman. Which means, if you're
someone who overanalyzes everything or needs immediate validation or
confirmation he's interested, then making the first move may not be for
It's Great to Take The Initiative...To a Point
Women like the idea of taking control of their love lives. Like I've said
in the past...I don't advocate a woman asking a man out. I think it disrupts all
kinds of power balances and throws off the expectations. Do it once, and he'll
assume (because men are easily conditioned) that you'll take initiative again.
"Well, if she likes me, she'll call me." "Well if she has something to say,
she'll say it." If you do ask a guy out, and things look to be heading to date
number 2, then be sure to tell him that you'll expect to hear from him about
date number 2.
Learn The Difference Between "Too Shy" and "Not
I think both men and women are guilty of seeing what they want to see and
not what's actually in front of them. Especially when we're smitten. Someone who
is shy will be more likely to convey their interest non-verbally. Interest is
interest. Our bodies do what our brains tell them to do. Somebody who's
attracted to you, regardless of how shy they are, will still manage to display a
number of non-verbal cues. They'll hold your gaze longer, they're body language
will mirror yours to some degree. They'll blush or look down a lot. They'll nod
emphatically at things you say or ask follow up questions. Their body will turn
towards yours. They'll touch you slightly. If you feel you have to work too hard
or if you find yourself questioning whether someone returns your interest, they
likely don't. If you truly believe they're interested, but just too shy, suggest
you and he/she meet up again and offer them your number. Guys, if you get this
cue ASK FOR HER NUMBER. If you don't she'll think you're not interested. But
ladies, please don't use "maybe he's just shy" as an excuse to justify your own
restlessness or anxiety. Yeah, maybe he is shy. But the chances that every other
guy you meet is "too shy" is not likely. If a guy is interested enough, he'll
get your number, find you, Facebook search you, etc. If you're frequently taking
the reins, then that's a sign that maybe you come across too aggressive and
scare the guys off. And most men will walk away from a woman who is too
aggressive. Which brings me to my next point:
Learn The Difference Between Assertive&
You want to call a guy and ask him out? Okay, do it. But if he says he'll
follow up with you to confirm and doesn't, don't follow up with him. If you call
and leave a voicemail or send him an email, leave it at that. And if he does
reply and you have a simple back and forth, know the signs when he's trying to
disengage. Do his messages/comments get shorter? Do his sign offs seem final?
Does his voice trail off? He's either busy at work or has something else to do.
Or he's not interested. Does he gloss over your suggestion to get together? Does
he always have excuses why he can't meet up? More often than not, he's ignoring
the request for a reason. Do not push for an answer or try to continue the
exchange because you're uncomfortable with his perceived lack of interest. You
put it out there. Now let him follow up.
Also make note of what can be perceived as aggression from men. Spirited
debates are great. But make your point and drop it. Teasing is cute, ball
busting and emasculating is not. Passionate is okay, loud and bawdy usually
isn't. Bottom line: Men want a lady. Women want a gentleman.
Don't Take It Personally Or Try To Fix It
Sometimes, it just isn't a match. So be it. Don't try to make it fit. You
can't let yourself become invested to someone's reaction to you. Many times we
think we can get a do over. There are very few dating do-overs. Let it go, learn
from it, delete them from your phone and facebook and move on to your next
prospect. Don't dwell. You can't assume YOU did something wrong just because one
person or even two doesn't return your interest. However, if you find yourself
consistently rejected - and this goes for men and women - then you may want to
consider the following possibilities:
1. You're trying to date of your league- Yep, there are
leagues, just like in high school. Life is not a John Hughes movie. The pretty
popular girl and the burnout typically don't date. Neither do the jock and the
oddball. Get a really honest perspective on who you are and accept it. That
means embracing and accepting your body, your age, your lifestyle and stop
trying to delude yourself. Many people have types. Doesn't make them wrong or
bad or even shallow. It means they are attracted to certain people, and not
attracted to others. We're attracted to what we know and feel comfortable with.
But we're also, to our detriment, drawn to people that we think will provide us
with social proof.
2. You show poor form - Remember, confidence is key for
both men and women. Never start out by saying, "You know it's totally okay if
you're busy/don't want to but....." That screams "I've been rejected 1, 678
times! Please don't be 1,679!" If you're interested in someone, say that. "I had
a great time talking to you the other night. I'd love to get together again for
a drink. Let me know if you're free." Note I didn't say "Let me know if you're
interested." Whether or not they're interested doesn't matter. You're not
invested in the outcome, remember? Maybe they are, maybe they're not. Either
way, the world will still spin on its axis and you'll eventually find someone
who is. Until then, you're as okay as you were before you met this person.
3. Accept Certain Realities - Men like younger women,
women like men who are financially secure and ambitious. Stop hating on those
people. That resentment will blind you to other possibilities.
And....Don't Date & Blog

Since I know way more female bloggers than male ones, I'll say this to the
ladies. Do not blog about your love life unless you know for sure the guy won't
read it. If you do blog about your love life, keep that fact to yourself until
you and the guy are sure you're headed somewhere. Never, ever trust a man who,
after only a few dates, says "Wow, you write a dating blog and you'll possibly
write about me? Cool!" Narcissist alert! I said this in an earlier post. Men do
not understand our need to share private details about our lives with strangers.
The men who do like the idea of being depicted with a cute Nickname on a blog
have a self-serving reason for that. And it's usually that they get off hearing
that a woman is so smitten that she is bursting at the seams to tell people. 
Trouble had a great quote and for the life of me I can't find it. It went
something like this: By airing your private thoughts and fears and feelings,
you're letting a man see a side of you that he should earn the right to see.


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