Robert Pattinson Is Ready To Date You

Buzz, Heartbreak

Good news, girls: Disheveled vampire swears he's single and looking.

Despite recent reports that he is totally all up in Kristen Stewart's lady business, Robert "I Don't Want to Accidentally Wash the Sparkles Off" Pattinson claims he's single, and now he's bemoaning his lonely, empty, coitus-free life. "I don't have a girlfriend," he whined piteously to Britain's Daily Mirror. "I don't know why."

We have a theory! Most normal, well-adjusted, non-stalkery ladies don't like it when their special gentleman friend is chased by a platoon of puffy-painted Twimoms who've scratched their necks raw. I mean, that's just a personal decision every woman needs to make for herself, but when given the choice of "dating a man whose every move is tracked via the GPS chip implanted in his crooked front tooth by inappropriately attached howlers who should know better" or "riding in an un–air conditioned New York City subway car when it's 97 degrees out," most sensible ladies choose the MTA. Would You Take Dating Advice From A Celebrity?

Or there could be another problem: RPattz only wants what Tom Brady already has. "You sit there and you're like, 'I'm a big movie star and I want to go out with some models,' but I don't know why that doesn't happen," the poor sad bloodsucker said. Awww. Pumpkin. Don't you know how to meet models? Just do like Andy Roddick and Marko Jaric: Get yourself a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue or the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and just pick one. You have an agent. That's, like, his job.

Another difficulty: Robbycakes is currently in the vicinity of Vancouver, shooting the third Twilight movie, Eclipse (you know, the one where Edward and Jacob growl limply at each other while Bella simpers ineffectively—no, the one after that one), and it seems to be a little more difficult for his slavering fans to find him up there. Sweeties, Air Canada is doing specials this week. So all you have to do is look like Gisele, have a couple hundred on hand for a flight to BC, and not mind the odor of Hot Pockets. He's such a catch!

Via People. Photo via Bauer-Griffin.