Why Men Will IInsist on Condoms

Why Men Will IInsist on Condoms

Theresa |  Location: NY, NY |Question: I've been seeing a man for about
two months. Last night I spent the night at his place as I usually do
on Friday nights. By now we've been seeing each other regularly,
once/twice a week and Friday nights through Saturday afternoon. For the
first time last night I suggested we skip using a condom since we've
both been tested in the last six months and I'm on the pill. He said we
should still use condoms. I asked him if he had an STD. He said no, he
just felt that we should continue with using condoms for now. I left
this morning feeling like he didn't trust me somehow. This has been on
my mind all morning. I want to talk to him more about this but don't
know what to say. If he doesn't trust me or if he has an STD I think I
have a right to know. If he's seeing someone else then I want to know
that too. I think I should know if he's sleeping with someone else,
don't you?|Age: 35

I hate to be be there bearer of bad
news but...it's possible he wants to continue using condoms because
he's still sleeping with someone else. I don't know if you guys have
talked exclusivity or not. I'm guessing not since you wonder if he's
sleeping with someone else.  If you want to discuss something I would
suggest that topic to discuss first.  

Just keep something in
mind. He doesn't "owe" you anything. He doesn't owe you an explanation
to what he does and with whom when he's not with you. You're not his
girlfriend (and even if you were his girlfriend he wouldn't "owe" you
an explanation.) Nor are you his mother. Or his wife. This is a mistake
a lot of people make early on in relationships. We expect our partners
to offer full disclosure, and usually use the "I'm having sex with you
therefore you owe me a dossier of your day to day activities" reasoning.

owes us anything. Least of all people we date or sleep with. Now,
married couples? Yeah, there's a level of obligation there. Long term
couples? Yes, there's a level of obligation there, too. But just
because we're sleeping with someone or dating someone doesn't mean they
are obliged to keep us informed of their lives. All you can do is be
responsible for your own emotions and wellness. Reality: Most people in
these situations fear they'll be adversely affected by this revelation
and will lie. They'll just lie instead of telling the truth. Yes, lying
= bad. But sometimes it's necessary so as to avoid drama and hurt
feelings and arguments. That's how men think, anyway.

Now, if
he is sleeping with someone else, is he wrong? Nope. He's not exclusive
to you. And he should be given props for insisting on a condom. Lots of
guys would have just gone bareback and hoped for the best. The upside
here is that this guy does, on some level, care for you since he was
looking out for your well being by insisting on a condom. He can't be
all bad.

If he says he's not ready to be exclusive, don't ask him
if he's sleeping with or dating someone else. You really don't want to
know. Yeah, I know. You say you do. But trust me. You don't. You can
never go back once you know. You can either tell him that until he
makes up his mind, you don't wish to be involved anymore. Or you can
drop the subject, not bring it up again and keep on dating the way you
were. Can you continue to be with someone whom you think is intimate -
physically or mentally - with someone else? Will that have a
detrimental affect on the experience as a whole?

The thing is,
this situation of yours is extremely common and even likely. You should
always assume that a guy you're dating is dating or even sleeping with
other people until you have the exclusivity talk. Typically they are.
That doesn't necessarily make them bad people or mean they fear
commitment. I know some people will read your story and say the guy is
a pig, emotionally insecure and selfish, etc. No, he's really not. The
thing we ladies forget is that we have the exact same option - to date
multiple people. We just usually choose not to. So we think it's weird,
strange, bad when others do it.

My suggestion? Drop it for now. If another month or two goes by and you
haven't had the exclusivity talk, then this guy isn't interested or
ready to settle down. And keep using condoms.


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