When love isn't enough


I was twenty when I lost my virginity...I never really cared for sex when I was growing up; sure it was always the topic of discussion with the other kids around me, but I was so afraid of it that I avoided it as much as I could. I made the golden promise to God as a teenager and held out for a very long time. I was never good at talking to guys and still aren't. For personal reasons I become very offended when they talked to me or tried to come on to me. For years I have always asked what is wrong with me am I not attractive? Do guys find me degrading? Do I have a 'Back off' sign on my forehead? 
But then I met this guy (lets call him Runner) when I was 19. He came to work at the restaurant I was working at and we became really good friends. I wasn't really even attracted to him at first but as time progressed so did my feelings for him. I tried to ignore it because I knew it was wrong for me to feel that way.
He was three years younger then me and the baby brother of a good friend of mine. We spent almost every shift together; laughing and teasing each other. Then a few months later my feelings got stronger and stronger and I eventually realized I was falling in love with him. I kept it a secret for almost a year until my best friend and sister confronted me; asking why I was always talking about him and relating every topic of discussion to him. Finally I gave in and told them I was crushing hard over him and loved him with the depths of my soul. We were so much alike and had so many things in common. We shared the same taste for rock music and movies, and we both virgins. We had our own language that no one understood but us. We could know what the other was thinking without a single word or physical connection. All we had to do was look into each others eyes and the truth would reveal itself.
He knew I had never had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy before and didn't tease me like others did. In a way I think he understood my fear. I told him some of my darkest secrets and that I always wanted him in my life and he told me he loved everytime he saw me. I became very comfortable with him and let my guard down so easily when he was near. I finally gave into my heart and told him how I felt. But he was in love with another girl that worked with us and wanted to be with her. She was a cheerleader and very popular at her school with everyone especially the guys. I didn't understand why he was attracted to a girl like that. He always talked about the perfect girl, relationship, and marriage, and I didn't understand how she fit into that catagory. She was easy and had more then one boyfriend but she was also a good friend of mine as well. So I did what most girls would have done...I became even closer friends with her just so I could feel closer to Runner.
She knew how he felt about her and ate it up every chance she got. She would piss him off every time she saw him by talking about her boyfriends and sex life to him. She even talked about her possible pregnancy to a guy she wasn't even that in to.
I felt so heart broken for him. He was such a great guy and could be very romantic when he wanted to. One time he drove all the way to her house before she woke up and placed a single rose on her driveway. I wanted that moment so badly. I would have given anything to have been her that day. He eventually gave up on her after a hundred or so heart breaks. She graduted from school and moved away for college and I finally had him all to myself.
Our friendship never really changed except for the fact that now he knew I wanted him for more then just a friend. After she left I noticed him beginning to flirt with me more. I never really put any thought as to why, I just loved it that he was actually paying more attention to me. Then the topics of sex started to come up. If it had been anyone else that spoke about it I would have ran out of the room but with him everything was so much easier to accept. So we talked about it and I told him I wanted him to be my first.
I think he was a little shocked about it at first because he kept asking me if I was sure. We kept talking about it almost everyday for a year and tried to plan it out and all that but never could find the right time. Then the last week of his junior year he txt me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to come over and that we would 'do it'.
It frightened me but I knew I couldn't let this moment pass. It was what I had wanted for the past two years and it was finally here. So I went over to his house while his parents were working and nervously followed him into his room. I could barley speak or comprehend anything that was going on around me. I remembered sitting on the edge of his bed with my hands clasped together with this never ending grin on my face. He sat on the other side of his bed staring at me appearing to be just as nervous as I was.
He told me he had something for me and then turned on a porno. I quickly made him turn it off; I was already