Fitting words


   After rereading my last few posts I can only say, "Man, do I ramble an' run in circles !!" I don't even think my titles match what I ended up writing about. Boy am I out there or what? LOL
   I got to this site because I was looking for some information on interracial relationships. Having never been in one before I was feeling kinda lost, not to mention the fact that I'm not even sure if I have a relationship. A better choice of words probably would be...involvement, friends with benefits...? I ain't even sure where I was when started to begin with. Friends definitely, lovers positively, and caught somewhere in between you bet! And now that I've found my way back after running off like I did...? 
   There's a wall up and I feel it most keenly, I can't say that I blame him, I know that I have to earn back his trust in me. I don't know why I even sought him out again because I know our vast differences will drive each other nuts if we ever took this to the next level. The first thing we'd do would be to try to change one another habits. 
   So why do I feel like I need a so called relationship with him? Why can't I just be happy with the friends with benefits deal? It was working before pretty good just the way it was. But the more time I spent with him the more I felt like I needed those threads I was talking about in my first post. Is it my fear of growing old and being alone? 
    The only thing I know for sure is that I want and need someone to connect with, he did that for me. I couldn't have asked for a better friend nor a better lover, I still can't. Only I've driven this wedge between us by leaving and avoiding him for so long. 
    I'm rereading this post and I don't even know what it is that I'm trying to get at. :(  I wanna say that I love him madly, but I can't. Need him? Want him? YES, by all means!!  So why in the hell can't I be happy with that?