Sorry about the interruption, ever since I was laid off from my other job I have taken to driving a truck again. (Which is a while other issue by the way.)
Now where was I? (Oh, that too goes to the wayside as you get older) I believe I was saying something about doing alot of reflecting lately.
I wonder why the very act of reflecting upon ones life makes you feel ...sad? I'm not really sure how to discribe what it is I'm feeling, but I'll plug along here and try to tell you.
At 52 I realize, almost painfully so, that my life has been absent of any real loving relationship. Is that just my imagination, or is it that I haven't recognized it for what it truely was? I use to think that I would know love when I felt it but lately I've begun to wonder. I'm questioning my ability to truely see it, or even feel it.
I think I've lived my whole life under the impression that love is something that sweeps you off your feet. I call it the knight in shining armor syndrome. (I think I heard that somewhere.) I've been waiting for a feeling so intense it would undeniable have be no other feeling. And I've waited, and waited, and...you get the point.
So here I sit, two marriages and countless relationships later, feeling very much alone. I can't help but feel as if that has been of my own doing, subconsciously or through my own actions.
I wonder too whether I've had unrealistic expectations of what love really is. Growing up my parents never showed affection for one another in public, or even at home that I recall anyway. The things I remember were fights, there weren't many, but the ones they did have seem to cling to my memory the most. I'd much rather have a picture in my mind of them hugging, kissing and Leave it to Beaver kinda stuff. (Which brings me to another point, why is it we seem to remember vividly the bad things that happen rather then the good ones?)
Sorry if I wunder, my mind is like that at times. So many thoughts cross through my mind that I sometimes wish I had a little tuggle switch so I could turn them off and on. One thought leads to another thought that leads to another, and so on. And yes I'm complicated. I think deep thoughts, and wonder if I'll ever find anyone who will actually know that I have these thoughts. I guess that's why I'm here sharing all this, I hate to think that this might be the only place I'm able to do that. No offense, but it does makes a poor substitute for the living breathing person I had hoped and dreamed of being able to say these things to.
I feel as if I've wasted so much time waiting for fireworks, for my knight to come riding up, or whatever it is they all claim it to be these days. And I've let the real thing slip away because I was blinded by a dream? A Fantasy? My head in the clouds? If all this is true then how will I ever know it for what it is?