7 Reasons Not To Date And Bake


On 4/20, a few good reasons to rethink relationships on reefer.

Here we are, again, it's the 20th of April and the hippies couldn't be more "stoked, brother." On the day where everyone is supposed to just kick up their heels, put on a Bob Marley record, roll up a doobie and check ya later, man.

Although limited ambition, the sweet, sickly smell of the sticky-icky-icky and perpetual red eyes are all high (heh) on most women's must-have lists, there are a few relationship-related reasons* not to Johnny Blaze like Johnny Cash. Here are just seven (in no particular order):

1) The sex may be weird. The gals at College Candy cover this extensively. The only thing they may have missed is that being baked makes it really easy to fall asleep and falling asleep during sex may be the least sexy thing on Earth not involving scatology.

2) Paranoia makes a pair annoying. Not that I know of any hard scientific evidence, but an awful lot of burnouts see conspiracy at every turn. Conspiracy theorists are fun to double date.

3) Derail and crash. There are a ton of recreational pot-users who can fully-function while baked. And there are a bunch who actually function better while high (Cypress Hill, we're looking at you). Dealing with the possibility that your dude is one missed 420 from being unemployable and a "real drag to be around" is depressing.

4) Narcs. This could be part and parcel of numero 6, but there's a pretty chance, given pot's illegal nature, that one or more person in a relationship is actually a narc or criminal informant. It turns out that the old, "if I ask if you're a cop, you have to tell me," is sort of urban mythology.

5) Some movies are too intense, man. Sure, getting baked and watching a Wes Anderson movie makes sense. But watching The Shining may cause you to literally crap your pants. Crank's camerawork may make you throw up. And Marie Antoinette will probably cause you to pass out. No relationship can survive on rom coms and melodramas. Then again, try watching The Wizard Of Oz with Dark Side Of The Moon as a soundtrack while sober. "Littering and... littering and... littering and... toking the reefer."

6) Dealing with your dealer. There's a good chance that your or your date's dealer would feel slightly threatened if someone new came into to the picture. If he (or she) is a tough guy (or gal), it could be trouble. If he (or she) is from the James Franco from Pineapple Express mold, it could involve a hacky sack-off. No one wants that.

7) They call you Mellow Yellow. Sure, everyone loves having a happy-go-lucky buddy, but relationships without a little bit of conflict rarely last. Pot's a gateway drug… to divorce.

Not convinced by any of these theories? It is a little specious, but for some reason it's still mostly illegal (the herb, that is).

*Note: I appreciate that I once wrote an essay extolling the virtues of inebriated sex. What? I'm complicated.