Let Me Tell You About My TV Girlfriend

Love, Self

And, apparently, I'm the Kevin James of this show.

Did I ever tell you about the time I had a TV girlfriend (internet video)? It was pretty outstanding. But before I get into all that, please watch the video above, it's on Facebook etiquette.

That was entertaining and en-wait for it-lightening. And did you see the chemistry between the leads? Sure, "Timmy Gordon" didn't have any "dialogue" or "live-action scenes," but even New York Governor David Paterson could see that heat*. But that red-hot fire is made from a mixture things called "acting" and "mutual respect."

We are professionals (fine, she is, I'm just unconventially handsome). And we care too much about the "craft" to let anything from "out there" to come "in here" (and, if I'm not mistaken, the converse is also true). Why ruin a sure thing scene partnership on a hit-or-miss proposition like dating a performer (ahem, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie).

After watching "Facebook Manners And You," YouTube user xxjungahfantasyxx had this to say, "haha that was great. and its good to see those two back together!! i loved them in love u." To the point, thoughtful eloquent. Lots of people feel that way, I'm sure. Wouldn't it be heartbreaking to see some off-camera ish come between them (looking at you Justin Long and Drew Barrymore)? It's amateur and it builds on-set tension (the stress on Dexter has to be palpable since Dexter married Dexter's sister in real life).

The Ghost Whisperer (which I have not seen) can't be improved by Jamie Kennedy and Jennifer Love Hewitt dating in real life (I would be on easy street if I was as good-looking as Jamie Kennedy). The only show that appears to be improved by off-screen hanky-panky is Gossip Girl and it's only because that show is bulletproof.

But there seems to be a bit of, let's say, un-evenness between my TV girlfriend and me. Sure we're both fair and blue-eyed and the significant age difference is assuaged by makeup and my youthful appearance. But a YouTube user helped me out with that too. After watching "Seduce Him With Food," Soggycorndog (obviously a Limp Bizkit enthusiast) had this to say, "No girl that looks like that would have trouble getting a guy that looks like that to want to sleep with her." Thanks for your support, hoss.

I was starting to get "the picture" when user nesseline really clarified things on the "Flirt Like A Pro" video, "He should have carressed his moobs during mirroring." Got it, by the way, there is only one "r" in "caressing." It's cool; we knew what you meant.

And it dawned on me: I'm Kevin James. I'm that guy from guy from Yes, Dear. I'm Jim Belushi (except funny). It was a dark day, realizing that my scene partner was Courtney Thorne-Smith and our set was According to Jim.

But I got over it. It worked for Ray Romano (whom I have mixed feelings for) and it seems to be working for Shia LaBeouf. And I guess I'll just have to be cool with that. And our videos (and the lives of our fans) will likely benefit from it.

Good day.

*Rumor has it that he's not good at picking up on clues of mutual attraction. What did you think I meant?