Pointlessness of Poinsettias And Flower Power


The inclusion of the Poinsettia almost ruins Christmas.

Everywhere you go during the holidays, people show their Christmas spirit using the ancient art of setting out a poinsettia. Everyone knows that you're really into the holidays because you purchased a potted plan (with red foil) and put it some place visible for a few weeks. Forget cookies or lights or anything of that nature, grab a plant from the grocery store (they run about 10 dollars), find a table for it and you're house will not be missed by St. Nick. Even though Christmas came, saw and conquered a scant 4 days ago, I have not seen a poinsettia since. There must be some statute that guys don't know about which decries the poinsettias shall be removed from sight by sun fall on the 26th, so it is written.

Compared to the Mistletoe, the poinsettia is a total also-ran as far as romantic holiday flora. Seriously, law dictates that you must kiss someone after wandering under the Mistletoe. Do you have an idea how many relationships have been forced into being because of a well-placed Mistletoe? In real life? Never, not once. In the cinema and sitcoms? At least 4. How much dialogue has ever even been dedicated to the wilt-y poinsettia? Any? In Batman Returns, the Batman and Catwoman verbally spar / flirt about Mistletoe (Batman, "Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it." Catwoman, "A kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it." Sure Catwoman gets tossed into a truck of kitty litter after that scene but you get the idea.) If they'd crashed into an apartment full of poinsettias the dialogue would have been; Batman, "There sure are a lot of poinsettias in here. I wonder what the plan on doing with them?" Catwoman, "I think they look nice, but we've got to make sure they’re thrown away by the 26th." Batman, "What happens if we don't?" Catwoman, "Mind your own business you caped freak."

I know it's a big surprise that a guy sees futility in plants. Big surprise. But I, unlike a bunch of my homeys, totally get cut flowers. They're purty and they smell nice. Not to go all Lenny (Of Mice And Men) on you, but that's 2/3 of the reasons we like women to begin with. The third reason being that ya’ll are soft. I know cut flowers have a short shelf life and it takes some kind of green thumb to even make a potted flower go, but at least they serve a purpose.

And let's not compare this to the Christmas tree, aight? Yes, the Christmas tree only lasts a month, tops (tradition says you take it down by the Epiphany (Three Kings Day), good tastes tells you to have it down by New Year's Day). Yes, many Christmas trees don't even smell nice (and they certainly aren't soft). And, yes, the Frasier Fir industrial complex is going to overrun our capitalistic-democratic society some day. But it's a worthwhile tradition. In fact, there are only 5 set scenarios in which buying dead or dying decorative plants makes any sense:

1: Christmas (the Christmas tree)

2: Mother's Day (any flowers will do)

3: Anniversary (any flowers are fine, roses are preferable)

4: Significant Other's Birthday (any flowers are fine, something long-lasting is preferable, the female birthday is known to extend at least a week in some circles)

5: Valentine's Day (roses are the only option unless something else has been prearranged)

Any other purchase of dying flora is to be made with the maximum of discretion and romantic impact. And keep in mind that unless an allergy is involved, fake flowers are to romance what a plastic Christmas tree is to a lump of coal in the thermal underwear of tradition.