Heidi and Spencer Not Married

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag

Reality duo is not really married, but they do want kids.

Ok, so I hate to say I told you so (not that anyone was really arguing with me), but MTV.com reports what most of us watched on Monday night: the wedding between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of The Hills is not legal. If you’ll recall, when Us Weekly broke the story about the elopement, they were so happy and so in love after this whirlwind ceremony that was performed after much tequila (and not-so-subtle pressure from Spencer) that I guess they forgot to check and make sure that the union was actuall legally binding (or no one really cared to check because it was just a huge publicity stunt.) Come to find out that as E! News (and most of us with some amount of intelligence) suspected, the marriage is not legal in the U.S. Our hapless couple heads to the courthouse to make it official in the Season Four finale that aired on Monday and, what do you know? Spencer backs out before he says his vows in front of the judge, stating that he wants to wait to give Heidi the wedding of her dreams.  I guess someone is following Tom Cruise’s advice.

Now, in what appears to be more stunt foreshadowing for Season Five, the not-legally-married duo are talking kids!  Spencer called into Ryan Seacrest’s radio show and said that the two “need a kid ASAP.”  When asked about this on the red carpet, Heidi said, “We've been talking about it. We'll see! We'll see!”

So, let me get this straight, Heidi: you escape a pregnancy scare before when you were dating, he acts like kind of an ass, but you keep dating him.  You get engaged but you break it off, then go back to him.  You marry him but it’s not legal.  Now you’re free to go again and you think you want to have kids with him?!?  My head is killing me over this.  I don’t know anyone who gets this many chances to get free of what is arguably a bad situation and they are determined to stay. Obviously, girl, you are a glutton for punishment.

For anyone else out there who is dating someone this completely worthless, when you get this many opportunities to leave, this is the Universe trying to help you.  Take the cue to make your exit before things get really bad and really permanent. You can take whatever torture you feel you might be entitled to but adding a kid to all that drama is just cruel.