A Good Night’s Sleep

A Good Night's Sleep
Love, Self

Why a decent night's sleep might save your relationship.

After alternatively sweating and shivering (sometimes simultaneously) for 10 hours last night, I realized the most important thing in life is a good night’s sleep. In fact, Coach Finstock (Teen Wolf's basketball coach) sums up life thusly: "There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese." Words to live by. How is this going to improve my love life? Let me tell ya.

First of all, a good night's sleep brings a lot of things into sharper focus. My favorite book is Catch 22 and one of my favorite passages involves Nately's Whore only needing a night of decent sleep to realize that she's madly in love with him (Nately). Since reading that as a young man, I've always been keenly interested in making sure that any lady I'm interested in has a decent night's rest before making any rash decisions. In fact, outside of ingratiating yourself by using a plethora of sincere compliments, I don't really have any relationship advice.

Say that you're dating someone pretty steadily and doing a bunch of spend-the-nights. As I wrote a little while back, women love cuddling. Men, not so much. Most men that I know have a nearly impossible time falling asleep without a slightly cool environment that is free from molestation. Thems the facts. And when these dudes don’t get their requisite 6 – 10 hours of sleep, then count on someone to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

And sometimes we smell like Wild Turkey and have roving hands. Lots of times a dude will head out to the bar with some buddies, put back a dozen PBRs and top the evening off with a few jiggers of whiskey. And that brown liquor gets a few things churning on the old libido front. And when we get home, we decide it’s prudent to share our amorous feelings. In the history of mankind, the move has never worked. "C'mon baby. You know you want to do it (hic) too," has never melted a single heart. We can add to this list waking up in the middle of the night with nocturnal wood and gently nudging the person lying beside you with the old chestnut, "I'm turned on, do you want to have sex?" as something to avoid.

So, where does this leave us? Chicks dig cuddling and dudes are into booze-besotted late night sex. Both of these activities are liable to ruin the sleep of the person lying next to you. My advice is to get a couch that's comfortable to sleep on (for nights with the guys) and agree to a period of time in the evening (or the morning, if you're weird) for snuggling. A decent sleep regiment may just save your relationship. It's a lot easier to look over at the person next to you and think, "Hey, I love this goofy broad (or fellow)," if he (she) let you get a decent night's rest.

It's also worth noting that there's nothing creepier than waking up to having someone staring at you. Please avoid this, because the other person immediately thinks, "was she going to murder me if I didn't wake up at that exact moment?" That could just be me.