Sean Avery Is Not Necessarily A Dirt Bag

Sean Avery Is Not Necessarily A Dirt Bag

Sean Avery's "Sloppy Seconds" regarding Elisha Cuthbert explained.

Webster's defines "Sloppy Seconds" as "When one man has unprotected sexual intercourse with a woman who's vagina still contains semen from a previous partner." Kidding, it was Urban Dictionary. Yuck, all the same.

With that as prologue, you may have heard a spot of scuttlebutt regarding a fellow named Sean Avery dropping the evocative 2-word term in reference to gentlemen of his profession (pro hockey player) dating his former girlf Elisha Cuthbert. Let's go to the videotape:

Gruesome, gruesome stuff. I only pray that there were not children or dotards in the room with you when you watched that tape. Never have so few words offended so many, it seems.

??Cracking into the story, I came to hear that Elisha Cuthbert has dated 2 other NHL stars since her split from Sean Avery; a member of the Calgary Flames, Dion Phaneuf, and a player for the Montreal Canadiens, Mike Komisarek.

Deadspin reports that Sean Avery apologized for the crack shortly after and they argue that he was just trying to stir up some controversy in a sport few people find entertaining. They were hoping that the words would bring a little heat to the next contest between Avery's Dallas Stars and either the Flames or Canadiens. And for his trouble, Avery got nailed with a 6-game suspension (per ESPN).

I don't pretend to know diddly-woo about the sport of hockey. I know that in Swingers you could make Wayne Gretzky's head bleed in a video game,  that my dad's cousin's husband was on the 1980 Miracle On Ice US Hockey Team (Neal Broten, he also played for the Dallas Stars) and that a recent strike made the NHL virtually irrelevant in at least 47 States. The charismatic Avery (no, really) has, with Sidney Crosby, helped return the sport to a modicum of pertinence in American pop culture.

 I don't know anyone who knows Sean Avery, but I feel he's a kindred spirit. We've both done tours of duty at ladies' magazines; he did Vogue and I worked the Tango. And maybe there's something about being around fashion and relationships talk all day that makes you feel the need to establish dominance over other dudes from time to time. I studied Krav Maga (martial arts) a little and he plays pro hockey and runs his mouth. We also have the same crappy haircut. You can see many parallels between us, I hope.

Not that rival hockey teams are necessarily co-workers or friends, but I'd be a little pissed if my ex-girlf dated peers of mine from Georgia (note: Avery is from Canada where the Flames and Canadiens call the ice home). I'd probably make a joke about it at some point. "Hey dog, if you wanna date Donna, tell her you're a relationships columnist from the Atlanta suburbs." Somebody has to have that as a type, right? Fine. I die alone.

Is the term "sloppy seconds" fairly crass? True that, though, to be fair, I believe he was in a locker room. I believe, knowing next to zero about the situation, that he meant no disrespect to Elisha Cuthbert. I think he's a guy that digs attention and was probably trying to stir up some sh*t (and get some people to actually watch hockey games on TV).

For her part, I'm firmly convinced that Elisha Cuthbert can take care of herself. She played Jack Bauer's daughter and I'm sure she could find out in less than 1 commercial break who a terrorist works for. She also made poor Emile Hirsch run naked in Girl Next Door. She's from Canada, eh, originally and isn't just some California chick with a fetish for hosers. Though, as far as I can tell, she is hockey's version of Alyssa Milano (or Bull Durham's Annie Savoy).

I'm guessing that Avery will probably sit his 6 games without further comment and further games against the Flames and the Canadiens will be officiated quite tightly. It's funny that when Paris ran off with Helen, Menelaus launched 1,000 ships and sacked Troy. When Elisha Cuthbert skated off with Dion Phaneuf, Avery launched 2 words and got sacked for 6 games. That'll learn him to not disrespect women.