Why You Should Reconsider John Mayer

Why You Should Reconsider John Mayer

Recent argument with Pink revealed what kind of person Mayer is: a regular guy.

There are guys, there are guy's guys, and there are girl's guys. There are guys you like because they remind you of someone you know and there are guys that you hate because they remind you of someone you know. There are guys that you don't like but would love if they were your friends. And there are guys that you think are pretty cool but realize you'd totally get sick of if they were your friends. Somehow, John Mayer fits in all of these categories.

He's been called a douchebag, a gold digger, a lothario, and a charlatan*. But isn't John Mayer just kind of a regular dude? I had the (what's the opposite of) pleasure of attending a Mayer concert a few years back and all I can say was that it is not my kind of music. I did, though, laugh at one of the jokes he made between songs (he used the word "boner," 'nuff said), but the ladies were totally enthralled by him. Sure, most of the women were south of 23 and totally in the sweet spot for sensitive singer-songwriters. Many would likely have been equally rapt had they been sitting on the floor of a dorm room, listening to a shirtless trustafarian try to literally charm their pants off with a 2-chord song into which he incorporated their name.

Somehow, John Mayer was able to make songs about being nice to girls (seriously, why the hell else can a track like "Daughters" possibly exist?) into a full-time job with a cult-ish following. But even that racket started growing stale. Sure he could sleep with college students and bachelorette parties who didn't care that his music sounded like a Dave Matthews Band rip-off. But where was the challenge? He needed an Everest (or to catch a marlin, whichever cliche you prefer), as any guy would.

So, he started hunting bigger game: starlets. Word on the street has it that he got with Jennifer Love Hewitt back in the day but really hit the big time with Jessica Simpson. Suddenly, he wasn't just a guy that you could easily confuse with Jack Johnson any more. You really had to work at it to confuse him with Jack Johnson now. One day John Mayer is making a living by doing fun love songs and then, blau!, he's dating Jessica Simpson (that's 2/3 of the way to Britney Spears). He's talking to paparazzi, dropping cute phrases in Japanese (evidently he learned it in high school) about Jessica to interviewers, and generally loving life.

Of course, it didn't last (though word on the street is that Papa Joe liked normal guy Mayer more than pretty boy Nick Lachey). But it was a gateway to bigger things—he was on the list now. Along the way he picked up a bunch of extra tattoos because he would never need a regular job again (a dream of mine).

He dated Minka Kelly (of Friday Night Lights) for a minute but his superstar (or Notting Hill, depending on your POV) moment came when he hooked up with Jennifer Aniston. The rumors swelled to scandal proportions and Mayer bravely faced the paparazzi firing squad. Sure privacy is great, but what guy wouldn't want everyone to know he's dating an A-Lister? Shout it from the rooftops, brah.

But, because Mayer is a regular dude, the media scrutiny got to be too much and the relationship moved too fast for him. The photog's flashbulbs must have some time-warping property. He didn't realize that Hollyweird romances move faster the farther up the food chain you go. And, like high school, sometimes things get a little weird and other people’s perceptions make mole hills mountains. And as quickly as things came together, they come apart (that's what she said?).

Like any guy, he'd prefer to think that the breakup was initiated by him or at least mutual (and who's to say he's wrong?). But the paps were still all up in his junk (has anyone ever called this a pap smear? If not… FIRST!), so he felt like he had to say something because regular guys have a really hard time saying nothing. And then because WE (both the media and the celeb-crazy populace) got what we wanted from him, some inside dirt, we could cast him to the side… fait accompli. So he caught the villain rep for talking out-of-school about private things, even though we begged him for it. The Aniston side more cleverly used proxies to get their of the story side out. John Mayer just could not win. Men, especially regular dudes, really struggle with the concept of the dis by proxy thought we are willing to talk trash about our sports teams' successes.

And then he had regrets. Pretty standard. Normal guys don't like being alone. And he'd already stepped in the wolf trap of negative public sentiment. What starlet was going to immediately give him a chance with the Aniston evil eye roving the country side like a lighthouse? And he couldn't go back to non-famous girls (sure, as a goof but not as a girlf). So, he started with the texts and admitted his mistakes, as all of us regular guys do. And, inexplicably, it must have worked at some level as the 2 have been seen out again.

The genesis of this rambling mess is a conversation that Mayer had with Pink. Per Celebitchy, the 2 got into an argument after Mayer talked a big game about all of the fur trapping he'd done and his preference for dumb broads ("I only shag really stupid women"). I, for one, wonder what the exact context was (and if Pink's recollection of the scene was spot-on) because I definitely know OK, regular dudes that have said something along those lines. Regular dudes sometimes say retarded crap A) to antagonize the Girl Power clique; or B) because they're sh*tcan drunk. Sometimes for both reasons. Not that it makes it any less of a moronic thing to say. It's good that it didn’t come to fisticuffs, that Pink looks tough and her ex-husband, Carey Hart, would drop a swarm of dirt bike Johnnies on anyone that messed with Pink.

My only experience with John Mayer, outside of the concert I was dragged to, involved a run-in at a hotel bar. He was talking to a friend of mine (a lady, naturally). Assuming she was my bird, he was very polite and apologetic when I approached. After I cleared up the confusion, he went back to inviting her and another of my friends up to his room to listen to music and possibly take their shirts off. He's the sort of guy that I'd let buy me a beer. And that's really my point about John Mayer. He's the kind of guy you wouldn't mind drinking a beer with and could possibly be a lot of fun at a bachelor party, but maybe you don't want him to date your sister.

*Note: There is no credible evidence that John Mayer has ever been called a 'charlatan' or 'communist.'