"First Timer's Kit: The Complete Guide To Losing Your Virginity" preps virgins for sex.
By Melissa Noble — Written on Oct 20, 2008
Where I grew up, a "lose your virginity kit" included a few warm beers, and 10 minutes in a dark room before the 'rents got home. Like everything else, the kids today got it better. In 2008, fresh-faced virgins can purchase "First Timer's Kit: The Complete Guide To Losing Your Virginity" and bone up (no pun intended) on all the sex essentials Skinimax and passages from Judy Blume's Forever left out.
Included are ten "Sexual Positions Study Cards" ranked from beginner to advanced, you know, in case you don't want to whip out the The Indian Headstand on your first go. Another set of cards "The Ten Heroes of Intercourse" have cartoon mug shots of John F. Kennedy, Dr. Ruth, and Angelina Jolie smiling back at you knowingly. While those two sets serve as inspiration of sorts for sex, the 96-page textbook How To Lose Your Virginity, is the meat and potatoes of the kit. Readers thumb through chapters with titles like: Famous Virgins in History (Orville Redenbacher!?), Human Sexuality 101: What Goes Where and Why, and my own personal favorite---Appendix: Emergency Situations.
In fact, author and creator, Dr. Eric Ryland Horner (where the Dr. is clearly dubious) is so confident this kit will deliver he throws in a frame-ready Certificate of Copulation paper. It would look just lovely next to the high school and college diplomas, don't you think?
Unfortunately, willing, able, and attractive person for said copulation not included in the kit.
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