Sarah Palin Affair Alleged

Sarah Palin Affair Alleged

The National Enquirer thinks she did.

Groan. The National Enquirer is at it again. They've alleged that Sarah Palin, hockey mom, governor of Alaska, soon-to-be mother in-law to a teenager, and GOP vice presidential candidate had an affair. "What else can go wrong with this crazy family?" is a natural reaction. But after the National Enquirer chased down Johnny Hairdo's (John Edwards) mistress they started gaining a bit of credibility. Words we never thought we'd mention, but what can you do? It's like after the wolf eats a few sheep you almost have to start listening when the shepherd cries "aye de mi, un lobo." They say that she had an affair with her husband Todd Palin's business partner.

At any rate, CBS News is reporting that the McCain camp is threatening suit against the Enquirer, who appear unready to back down. They released this quote (midway down) to the Huffington Post. Yowzer, indeed-y.

The National Enquirer had another big story today alleging that Sarah Palin instructed her 17 year-old daughter Bristol Palin to marry "sex on skates" Levi Johnston before the story broke. Presumably, Bristol is named after the Connecticut home of ESPN but possibly after another Bristol in some other part of the Earth.

And then there's Trooper Gate (2). So, supposedly Sarah Palin implored Public Safety Commissioner of Alaska, Walt Monegan, to can her outgoing brother in-law Mike Wooten. The Washington Post reports that the ongoing investigation has unleashed quite a few details of the Palin family that they likely wanted to keep private. Monegan for his part has said the family has only asked him about Trooper Wooten and never directly instructed him to fire the divorcer of Sarah Palin's sister. But… Walt Monegan was released from his position as state police honcho though Governor Palin explained that away with the need for Monegan to serve as boss of the Alaska's alcohol board. PS: Mike Wooten did admit to tasering his 10 year-old stepson by request, "Do tase me, bro."

On to Broken Water-Gate (clever sons of bitches). So, Sarah Palin's water broke while she was carrying her youngest son during a speech. She then flew 3,000 miles from Texas to Alaska. We're not doctors here at The Dish, but that seems like a pretty bad idea. Her son Trig, whom we assumed was named after that sweet math that is equal parts geometry and algebra, was screened and found to have Down Syndrome. This makes this flight possibly even riskier. Gambling911 (yes, we're stretching for sources) says that Alaska Airlines specifically has a policy against traveling with a broken amniotic sac. They also list McCain as a +165 to win the presidency (meaning you would win $155 on a $100 bet if he wins, the house takes $10).

And the last conspiracy. Some people think Trig may actually be the child of 1 of her other children and that Broken Water-Gate is merely some slight of hand. Some people think that the relatively newborn could be either Bristol Palin's son or Willow Palin's daughter. Willow is 14 and most likely named after the eponymous character in that 1988 Val Kilmer film. This seems like the least likely of the Palin rumors and it's frankly feels a little ridiculous to even type.

People claim that the McCain camp didn't do a proper enough job of vetting Sarah Palin before nominating her. But we think that any Alaskan would admit that there is not a lot to do up there. Having sex, playing hockey, and stirring up scandal are par for the course (per the Russell Crowe movie Mystery, Alaska). Palin also has 2 other kids; Track, 19, and Piper, 5, whom we assume are named after the thing a racecar drives around and the easy-to-operate brand of personal aircraft, respectively.

It's a shame that NBC decided to wait until the 13th of September to start the new season of Saturday Night Live. They couldn't write material this good. Maybe they have another kid that no one knows about named Duck (after the tape) and it's revealed that her husband was a go-between for Oliver North and the Nicaraguan Contras. Darrell Hammond could even come in and give his signature Bill Clinton "I like you're style, Sarah Palin" thumbs up.