What's Up With That A-Rod Guy Anyway?

Remember that Alex Rodriguez guy that plays 3rd base for the Yankees? It turns out that the media really likes to talk about the quarter billion dollar man. And, it seems, that it's all important news. But we just don't have the time or patience to deal with it all. So a quick summary of what the media has been saying lately about the A-Rod / Madonna / Cynthia Rodriguez situation:

The New York Daily News says that A-Rod's buddies are speaking out and they say that he's been asking for a divorce for some time. And that Cynthia Rodriguez's master's degree in psychology has been brainwashing the 3rd baseman not the Kabbalah. We wonder if this friend is a Scientologist, with his mistrust of psychology. Then there was something about getting permission to hang out with other women to save their marriage. Best quote: "He's been miserable for a long time, but he's happy now." —Anonymous friend. That's a start.

Starpulse reports that A-Rod has signed with a new talent agency to whip his image back into shape. The William Morris Agency will extend the A-Rod brand beyond the baseball field (and presumably tabloids). The deal was set up by A-Rod manager and Madonna buddy Guy Oseary. Best quote: "I'm excited to see what we will be able to accomplish together, both domestically and abroad." —Alex Rodriguez. You betcha!

An extortionist claims to have a tape of Madonna and A-Rod getting their swerve on, according to the Daily Star. Evidently this dirtbag is asking for a fortune. He claims to have installed a secret camera in an apartment that Madonna is said to borrow from time to time. This seems so outlandish and dubious that it almost makes R Kelly's claim of his video being digitally altered seem credible. Best quote: "He would be prima facie guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he'd be going to jail for a few years." —Anonymous legal expert. Ipso facto, indeed, old boy.

The jokers over at the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network are reporting that this A-Rod guy has gone 8 for 19 in his last 5 starts with 2 homers and 6 RBIs. They also report that his middle name is Emmmanuel. This is well and good but what about the dirt, ESPN? Is he using pine tar? If so, is it an illegal amount? Best quote: "Yankees May 21: Activated third baseman Alex Rodriguez from the 15-day disabled list; optioned pitcher Chris Britton to Scranton/Wilkes-Barre of the International League (AAA)." —Stat guy. Yeah, but what was he up to between May 6th and May 21st and how does this Chris Britton feel about all of this, hmm?

The New York Daily News is back to tell us that A-Rod has hired a crack team of legal eagles to work his divorce. And evidently, this legal team is strictly female. A-Rod's Angels (please let that name stick) have a history of working with athletes. Let's hope that his time with them doesn't spark any more A-Rod hookup rumors. Best quote: "The best rule is to hire a lawyer by ability, not by sex." —Raoul Felder. Good call, Raoul. Felder recently worked with YouTube Divorce nut Tricia Walsh-Smith and lost.

New York Magazine reports a lot. But it appears that their central thesis is that thing started spinning out of control for Rodriguez when he dropped Scott Boras after a failed attempt to flee the Yankees for greener pastures after last season. It's honestly worth giving NYMag a look just for the depth of their above-it-all coverage. Best quote: "It's perhaps instructive to think of A-Rod as the Princess Diana of baseball." —Will Leitch. Out-of-context? Yes. Hilarious hyperbole? Also yes.

So, forgive us if we skimp on the A-Rod coverage in the near future, that was a whole lot of nothing and it nearly killed us. Hitting in the playoffs is going to be a breeze compared to all this. Oh, we heard he may have a 3rd nipple.

Image from: yankees.lhblog.com