We’ve Only Just Begun…to Pick a Terrible First Dance Song

I remember many years ago attending a 25th wedding anniversary party for the parents for a college friend of mine. Since I was still at the age when I assumed any party meant drinking until I was toasty warm and the room was slightly fuzzy around the sides, I had several glasses of white wine. (Okay, okay, I still think the word party means to drink until it's fuzzy-sided, but whatever.)

Anyway, despite my imbibing, I somehow I got stuck with the honor -- and I use that word loosely -- of hitting the PLAY button on the CD player when it came time for the happy couple to spin around the living room to the first song that they had danced to at their wedding. Now let me give you a hint. This couple had gotten married in the early 1970s and both of them were extremely white. What song do you think they danced to? You actually need another hint? Oh, all right. The song rhymes with "terrible piece of crappy sap." Yes, that's right. They danced to "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters.

Once the pivotal moment arrived, I hauled my loaded and out-of-it self over to the CD player in the corner of the room. This being a rockin' party (okay, not really, but it was a party), there were stacks of CDs all around the player. I fumbled for the correct disc, slipped it in, and when my friend nodded her head at me, I hit PLAY.

"White lace and praaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....misses......One kiss and we're onnnnnnn our wuhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy...."

?Sweet Jesus,? I thought to myself as the Mister and Missus embraced to begin dancing. ?This song absolutely blows.? So taken aback was I by this realization, I drunkenly stumbled into the corner, knocking over approximately 65 CDs all over the tile floor and creating a ruckus that sounded something like this:

?Before the riiiiiiiiiiiisinnnnnnng sun we CRASH flllllllyyyyy??So many WOOOOOSSH CRASH rooooooooooadds tooooo choooooooooooose?..CRASH.?

My friend gave me a death stare, and the guests of honor stopped mid-move to glare in my direction.

?Oh my God,? I whispered, frantically attempting to pick up the other CDs as my friend?s parents resumed swaying to Karen Carpenter as she suggested they ?share horizons? that were new to them.

The point of this long and rambling story is not merely to make you laugh at my expense, but more importantly to suggest that had the song they?d chosen for their first dance not been so dang lousy, I may not have been so tempted to fall backward mid-drunkenness and knock over a large amount of jewel cases. Which leads me to my point:

Don?t pick a crappy first dance song. Seriously. Don?t. Next week, I?ll supply you with a few classics to avoid as well as a few fresh ideas for songs that will leave your audience wanting more?not wanting to push something over.