Bridal Madness: Have You Gone Off the Deep End Yet?

If you're a bride to be and reading this, you may understandably be wondering if you are in danger of losing it. This is a very significant threat to every bride. Unfortunately, the trouble with becoming a crazy bride is that very often you don’t understand what is happening to you until are discovered curled up under the kitchen table munching on Jordan almonds and muttering about the size of your guest list.

Here are the signs you are in need of some serious wedding therapy. (FYI: The therapy involves a couple of bottles of wine and a Bridezillas marathon on WE.)

Beware of the following symptoms:

You treat everywhere you go like it’s the reception site: You’ve obviously lost it if you find yourself walking into your favorite restaurant and directing the people sitting in it to move from one table to another. “I want you, you, and you to sit over here and everybody over here to move over there. And I don’t want to hear the story about how she was rude to you at the last family reunion because I need to get these table assignments done pronto, people.”

You stay up until 3 in the morning doing anything that involves ribbon, double stick tape, basting, or mini chocolates: We know. You used to stay up until 3 am finishing a project for work or studying for finals. Now someone is bound to find you sprawled out on the floor of your living room, chugging lukewarm coffee and making favors for 300 people.

You care about crap you never cared about before: See the above. Favors? For 300 people? Involving ribbon and chocolate? Seriously. Whereas the limited extra space in your head at one time cared about, say, the crisis in Darfur or the next presidential election, all remaining brain cells are now running on overdrive and focused on crap like wedding favors. Crisis in Darfur versus personalized Hershey’s Kisses wrapped in colored saran wrap? Good God, what’s happening to you!?

You actually believe the BS line about your bridesmaids being able to wear the dress again: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Let me give it to you straight. Never in the history of time has a bridesmaid’s dress been able to be worn again unless it’s out of irony or desperation. The dress will always be tainted as a bridesmaid’s dress, laced with that peculiar odor of jumbo shrimp, Love’s Baby Soft, and a slow-burning bitterness at having to be a bridesmaid. And it’s not just the smell. It’s the fact that it was a dress worn by four other adult women at the very same function. I don’t care if you didn’t pick one with a butt bow. No one’s ever wearing that thing again.

You start acting as if the world is out to get you: So your cousin hasn’t sent her reply card back, right? And you’re wondering if she hates you or just dislikes you, right? How else could you explain the disaster she has created by not telling you ASAP if she is coming or not? I’ve got a news flash for you, sister. Before you got engaged, you didn’t RSVP to weddings very quickly either. The truth is, your cousin has the invitation buried under 10 other pieces of mail on her dining room table. The only people who RSVP quickly to a wedding are the people who have gotten married in the past three years and remember the hell of trying to plan the damn thing.

Next week: Five more signs you’re getting closer and closer to the edge!