Third Wheel X Three = GF By Proxy?


I may not have a boyfriend/husband/significant-other-type-person, but lately, I have found myself at the center of so many relationship dramas that I feel like I should be declared an honorary spouse by association. Thrice over. Maybe more. I really can’t even keep track any more.

I’m stressing out over the wellbeing of the children, and visiting divorce attorneys, and starring in messy domestic disputes that last till 3AM… and mind you, I have NEVER been married, nor been anyone’s mistress.

I am supposed to be hooking up my cousin’s wife’s brother with an attractive, artistic American Jewish woman (early 30s would be best age-wise—any takers?) so that he will stay in this country instead of flitting off to Thailand or the UK in search of career fulfillment. I am supposed to meet my friend Teresa this week so that she can explain, in person, exactly why she has decided to get back together with her boyfriend, even though according to her, he represents a fate worse than death, dismemberment, or humiliation on national broadcast. (I’m taking her word for it, since I have never met him.)

I have not asked to be a part of any of these dramas. I don’t like gossip. I don’t live vicariously through others; my own life is interesting enough. And I don’t like to be in the middle of other people’s relationships. What’s more, any relationship that I’m involved in, even by proxy, is fair game to be written up, posted online, and sniggered at for the rest of eternity.

You would think that would make my friends more cautious. But noooo!

People cannot WAIT to tell me way too much information about their relationships. They want to me to get smack-dab in the middle of their personal lives, put my feet up, and take up residence, as though I were some kind of young, yuppi-fied Mrs. Doubtfire. It is totally weird.

As far as the guy I am supposedly dating…well, heavens, talk about an awkward situation! Check it: If you know someone has got something else going on, and you don’t know the nature of the other relationship or how long it’s been happening or how long it is likely to continue…but if you’ve already gone out of your way to nix the “Us Talk” for personal reasons you don’t care to analyze… then how do you backpedal? How do you say, “I’m sorry, it appears I don’t like this share-rental situation after all,””? How do you take residence in someone’s life if it’s damn obvious that the previous tenant hasn’t completely moved out yet?

If you were another type of girl, you would pitch a fit and be crazy-emotional and force some kind of resolution. But if you’re me, you just withdraw, steadily and surely and without ever making a big thing out of it. Because the truth is, I don’t want to make a bit thing out of it. I’m not sure what I would hope to accomplish.

Which brings me to my current dilemma: I have to be an honorary girlfriend by proxy. Because the truth is, even if I’m a third wheel in a dozen different relationships simultaneously, I’m still not be ready to be 50% of any particular equation.