14 Ways To Tell If The Real Problem In Your Relationship Is ... You
You might be contributing to the poor state of your relationship.
Dean Drobot | Canva In my practice, it is common for people to come in and complain about their spouse or significant other. It is more of a challenge to take a true inventory of your behavior and gain insight into how you might be contributing to the state of your relationship. There is always room to improve throughout a long-term relationship.
Here are 14 questions to ask if you are the real problem in your relationship
1. Are you emotionally responsive and engaged with your partner?
This means you can empathize, listen, and respond emotionally to your partner. You do not label your partner “needy” or another negative term because they are reaching for you this way. You value your partner and give the special attention this person deserves. Good partners turn toward each other (not away) when there is a “bid” for emotional connection.
2. Are you open to dialogue and negotiations?
You do your best to avoid “gridlock” on issues and use problem-solving skills with your partner. Good partners realize that some issues in a relationship are not solvable. For example, personality characteristics that you find irritating in your partner are not going to simply go away. But, a good partner practices things like tolerance and negotiation when the problem arises.
3. Do you "soften your start-up," as opposed to being harsh when raising an issue?
Issues in the relationship are a challenge to discuss for both sides of the problem. For the one whose behavior or words are being spotlighted, it can be emotionally charged from the start. Softening your start-up to difficult conversations can make the talk go smoother.
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4. Are you willing to "accept influence" rather than "batting it back" or escalating arguments?
Your partner's role is crucial here because they might be less likely to accept influence from you. The happiest marriages are when both partners accept each other's influence.
5. Do you know how to de-escalate negativity in an argument and make efforts to do it?
This is usually accomplished by using “repair attempts” or language that brings down tension. Examples are saying “sorry,” or “I misunderstood,” using humor, etc.
6. Do you avoid the “Four Horsemen” at all costs?
These are the key predictors of divorce: criticism, contempt (or belligerence), defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusal to talk). Anger is generally ok, as long as contempt/belligerence is absent. Women are more critical; men are more stonewalling. Stonewalling is often an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down. Criticism during the conflict by women is frequently a reaction to unresponsive or irritable male partners.
7. Are you trustworthy?
You have each other’s backs and do not keep secrets. You also behave in ways that better your partner and the relationship (not just yourself) Good partners are also accessible and can be reached when needed and counted on.
8. Do you focus on the positives and not just the flaws of your partner?
Many things you find endearing when you first meet your partner can later become sources of frustration.
9. Do you respect your partner’s autonomy and individuality?
There is no need to be merged into one when you are in love. It is nice to miss your partner sometimes! Don’t let your insecurities sabotage this.
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10. Do you strive to meet each other's needs?
Furthermore, you do so because you like to see your partner happy. Are you concerned when your partner seems unhappy with you or just blows it off and thinks that “it’s their problem?” This is a poor attitude to take and will certainly doom your relationship.
11. Do you make efforts to avoid falling into a rut?
Successful couples make plans to try new things together, go out, have fun, laugh, and play. Remember that novelty breathes positive energy into the relationship.
12. Are you physically affectionate and responsive?
A good partner can be demonstrative of their love by giving and receiving physical affection. There is a realization that a romantic relationship is an intimate relationship and not just a platonic friendship.
13. Do you show gratitude and appreciation for your partner?
You may even think and feel you are grateful for your partner, but he/she is not a mind-reader! Be sure to express it in both actions and words too.
14. Finally, are you committed to the relationship and view it in terms of a "life-long journey" and not something to quickly bail on when things get rough?
We live in a time that makes it so easy to divorce (can you say “no-fault!”) and find someone else that relationships seem quite disposable. I assure you there is nothing like having a long-term bonding love with a partner you can always count on. Be a good partner yourself and chances are you will attract someone into your life with the same values.
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, relationship expert, and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.