A woman describes her "teenage vagina," which she got through vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
I just recently picked up a new vagina. It's brand new, shiny, and never been tested by man. You think I'm kidding, but its true: One week ago today, along with other repair surgeries, I had a vaginal reconstruction. I'm 37, but in more ways than one I feel like a new woman, a virtual born-again virgin.
If there's one thing I've learned writing these columns, it's that you ladies have penis on the brain. Which is why I'm going to admit that my penis is so huge, so gargantuan, that when I get excited, I barely have enough skin with which to whistle. Seriously. It's like three grapefruits in a gym sock. Trash bags are my preferred prophylactic. I ain't bragging or nothin'.
Does size really matter? How do you know your vagina isn't all floppy? I knew a dude once who described sleeping with a woman as "driving a hatchback through the Lincoln Tunnel." I am convinced y'all make so much of a fuss about size as a passive-aggressive way to get back at dudes who you perceive as judging you solely by your boobs, waist, and butt. But when it comes to sex, good sex, bite-mark-on-the-shoulder sex, we are the sum of our physical, and emotional, parts. Otherwise, you're not having sex. You're just slapping bits.
With contraptions like these, who needs one-night stands?
Those with a penis who made it to the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo were in for a tight, lubed up treat. The Real Touch Interactive sex device. This new football-sized contraption works by strapping it on, plugging into your computer, and pressing "play" to the 30-minute porn that comes with the device. The action corresponds with motion cues sent over a U.S.B. from your computer. The Real Touch electronically simulates the mouth, vagina and anus of the porn star on your screen. Athough it isn't on the market yet, it's tentatively priced at $150, with one 30-minute video, some lube and free shipping.
What the world needs now is vaginal tightening cream.
Liquid Virgin promises to tighten and constrict your vagina, which "makes every time feel like the first time." Even if that is what women want, the active ingredient, potassium alum, is potentially harmful to the body.
Because of the stigma attached to the word 'vagina,' a new, general word for the female genitalia had to be found. Apparently, the word 'vajayjay' is the most popular stand-in. The word was popularized by Oprah and has gained much cultural use.