All of us, as we were growing up, learned a myriad of ways to try to have control over getting love, avoiding pain and feeling safe. One of the ways we might have learned is to lie. We all had many opportunities to learn this way of protecting ourselves, which is a form of manipulation/control: • A parent or caregiver interrogated you about something you knew you were not supposed to do. Did you tell the truth or did you deny that you did it?
In the immortal words of famed rapper Jay-Z, No matter where you go, you are who you are player! Whether the scandal is going on in your community or within; what happens in the dark will come to light. Mama’s all over the world, including my own, are fond of warning their children to be conscious and aware that anything that they do in private, it could possibly get out to the public. Remember, each thought and action is planting a seed and what you plant now will determine what you will reap later. Stop telling yourself that the drama you create
Whispers at the water cooler of life. I hear women gathering and grounding, stepping into the Goddess Flow. Some rumble that that men are not required. A fire of womanly wiles and wills is burning. Polarizing events involving females are showing up daily. Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo, bans telecommuting. Sheryl Sandberg releases her book telling women to “Lean in”, and CNN reports on the adverse effects the Steubenville Rape case sentence will have on the perpetrators, while ignoring the victim.
We live in two worlds: the external and internal. Our external world is a reflection of our internal world. Many of us choose to ignore this until we’re given a wake-up call that we’re not happy or satisfied with the cards dealt: our marriages fall apart, we are faced with illness, we lose our job, we cannot find a long term relationship, or we get passed over again at work. Understanding that our internal world drives what happens to us in the “real” world is the first step to overcoming and rising above the lessons we need to learn in this lifetime.
Successful, independent, beautiful, sassy, chic, powerful and tenacious are all badges of honour that women wear to describe the modern women’s freedom to be all she can be. Unfortunately, those same esteemed titles lead to another title for women: SINGLE! Yes, we all like to prove our successes but the reality is that most men prefer the nurturer and none of these above characteristics attract the opposite sex, or at least not the ones we would be interested in.
As a couples therapist, one situation I’m confronted with often is when a relationship is shaken up by the discovery of a lie. It’s not always infidelity, but that is a classic example. In that first session with a couple who sees me after the discovery of an affair, both partners usually agree on what the problem is – one partner wronged the other, and that person typically sits in my office sheepishly, overcome by guilt, shame, and a vague sense of relief that the truth is finally out.
I’m the first to admit I have some strong opinions, some of which have been wildly popular, and others absolutely not. That could be because we have been indoctrinated into a modicum of agreement on what’s polite, etiquette or even appropriate when it comes to giving unsolicited advice. Or (my suspicion is) we are simply afraid of the truth. However you look at it, the consequences for such straight talk can be stringent; tribal ostracization, social paralysis or, worse, no one likes you and you die alone.
Kate Middleton is pregnant with the heir apparent to the throne of England. Bringing up baby to the manor born stirs up fairytales of happily every after and raising a blue blood. Here are some ideas to give your little one the royal advantage in life and love:
Some say flirting is harmless: some of those same people would argue that engulfing a male body part in one's mouth isn’t sex (we won’t mention names, given the trend to repent), while others insist that the mere thought of indiscretion is cheating. Given our culture’s penchant for bending the English language (and morals) to suit our purposes, wouldn’t it be nice if we had a few less erroneous benchmarks for foul play? Here are a few to consider:
I love sharing my stories with you because they are real life examples of what most of us go through in some way or another. This week, I am telling you about a woman I spoke with that went through an emotionally abusive relationship AND is a strong, powerful woman. She has given me permission to share this with you, in hopes that it is a starting point for you to come to the same realization that she did.
If you are someone who occasionally lies, you know where your line is. You know when you feel it’s OK to tell a lie, and when you feel you must be truthful. But here's the problem: No one else will ever know where you draw that line. If you lie about even the littlest thing, your spouse or significant other will wonder about everything you say. You will never be able to articulate to your partner how you come to the decision to lie. And just as important, you will never be able to justify it.
You know how you make healthy New Year's resolutions every year like "eat more broccoli" or "actually use my gym membership?" You might even make these resolutions before the new academic year picks up in September, or before your schedule gets more hectic in the fall after the lazy days of August. Well, this year, add a new one to the list: "Don't tell lies."
Every now and again you come across a situation in your life that blows your hair back, your skirt up or...just blows. For example: you find out the person you're seriously considering spending the rest of your life with isn't interested in a long-term relationship with you. Or you discover one evening, quite by accident, that your husband prefers blondes...who are hung like a horse.
It’s understandable that couples are wary about bringing up sensitive topics. The avoidance of pain and distress are major motivators to go into hiding. But too much avoidance can lead to marital corrosion. So how can this difficult problem be managed? Because of the extra length, this month’s column is divided into two parts with the second part finishing next month.
Do parents lie to their kids? Do kids tell lies? Why do we lie, often when the truth would serve us better? We recently had a group of friends and relatives in our home for a dinner party. After some great food and general conversation, I asked them to help me with this project. Everyone was supportive and eager to assist in writing a book. But when I asked them to tell me why they lied, there was a shocked silence.