My advice is to not get too invested in people you only have physical relationships with, and if that's not possible for you, quit having strictly physical relationships with guys, and choose sex partners you have an emotional commitment from.
Sometimes, the worst part of dating is having to endure the cliche phrases that accompany it. I swear, if one more person says, "He's just not that into you," I'm going to jump into my oven and never come out. It was fun back in 2003 when the phrase debuted on Sex and the City and then became the title of a book (and then a movie!), but let's be honest, it’s totally played out. I get it. I grasp the concept. He's just not that into me and if he was, he would be. Next PLEASE? I beg of you single population-at-large, let's make dating somewhat hip again so we can feel non-lame while engaging in it. Here are some dating phrases that we need to put the kibosh on. Add your suggestions for replacement phrases in the comments.
I began to revaluate myself and the way I treated others. During this time, I left my ex alone, which is actually harder than one could imagine. This might seem pathetic, but I wanted to call him every day. But for once I had to make things better, not rely on someone else to clean up the chaos. When the time came to do the dreaded exchanging of personal property, I had decided that I was going to ask him if we could give it another chance. If he said 'no,' I swore to myself that I would not weep and lay in bed ordering empanadas while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the aftermath.
When it came to bedding guys, I used to be happily hedonistic. I might still be like that somewhere inside, but I'm not really sure; my long-term desires of commitment, love, marriage and children are clouding that hedonism a little bit. But I do know when Ex-Mr. Jessica and I broke up, the idea of being intimate with other men whom I didn't have a shared sense of intimacy and a love connection with made me viscerally repulsed. The idea of having sex with someone whose children you would carry if you accidentally got knocked, to having casual sex for fun (or "fun"), was too much for me. I still think it is too much for me.
Don't marry this guy. You aren't in love with him. If anything is clear in your letter, it's that. You are not in love with this guy. And you know what? You'll be fine without him. As long as you've been together, it must be scary to think about not being with him anymore, but as much time as you spend on your own, you have to know you'll be okay by yourself. And, eventually, you'll find someone new if that's what you want.
My mother was single for a long time before she found someone she liked. And despite those visions of Friday nights on the couch, I can see the value in truly waiting for someone to come along that you just can't ignore. But, most of all, I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my mother's mother, Grandma Theresa, before her death in 2007: "I just hope she finds someone that makes her happy." This, really, is what matters most in a relationship—whether it happens when you're 26 or 56. If not, there's always Jon Stewart.
You are guilty of nothing by dreaming about or fantasizing about other men. There is a certain mourning that goes along with ending your time as a single lady. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you stop being human. Humans are sexual animals. You will never cease to notice hot dudes around you and find them making cameos in your nightly visions. That's just how we do.
Lately we've been talking a bit about breakups and the lessons we learn from relationships that have ended—but do men actually get more out of a "failed" relationship than women? A guy friend of mine, let's call him Adam, says—and we're both aware that this is generalization—that men are almost always better boyfriends in their next relationship than they were in the one that came before it. Hence the reason why women can sometimes be heard complaining, post-breakup, something along the lines of, "The girl who gets him next is getting all of the benefits of my hard work! He wasn't this sensitive/emotional mature/considerate when we first started dating—I had to teach him all that! And now some other chick is going to get to enjoy all those things, having no idea that it was my doing. No fair!" C'mon, you know you've at least thought something similar about an ex. I know I have!
As a 16-year-old, seduced by checkered Vans and studded belts, I found my match in this scene. Tim was older, 21, and a True Love Waits virgin. True Love Waits is a contract that you have with, like, "God" and the community or something. It is a vow that you will not have sex until you're married. The church-going kids would bring the contracts to school and teachers would pass them out during class, encouraging us to sign. Afterward, the names of kids who signed would run in the town's newspaper. Which also printed the names of everyone who'd been arrested that day and for what.
Breakups suck. But after a little time has passed, you may find yourself feeling relieved, reflective and actually—dare we say—thankful that you and your former dude are no longer together. Breakups and how they're done can teach us lots of valuable lessons about who we are and what we want.
Sure, these days when I get dressed I have to think carefully about which outfit will make me feel least like a tightly squeezed sausage about to be fried in my overheated office. And sure, at this exact moment, the majority of my butt is covered in swollen red pus balls from a terrible case of poison oak I got while hiking in Big Sur. (Ok, I admit it, it was actually while popping a squat in Big Sur.) But mainly, I find myself looking around and thinking, Everything is awesome.
I feel most secure, and turned on, by alpha males: someone who is confident, assertive, in possession of a backbone, and protective. I don't mean physically protective—although that would be nice, too, if a pack of wolves attacks—but emotionally protective. I want to feel like someone is prioritizing my well-being over what makes them look "fun" or "cool," and not be left high and dry. I want to feel like someone is looking out for me rather than expecting me to look out for them. I want to be able to trust them on this matter, not just hope for the best.
Sunday morning, at 2:30 AM, I was jostled from my deep slumber by the obnoxious trill of my cellphone alerting me to a new text message. I knew it had to be one of two people. Anyone else who would text at such a late hour would be being rude, but a booty call is just playing by the rules.